The CullenAry Arts
by Kuroko Meme
Summary: What do you get when you send five angry vampires and a clumsy human to Culinary Arts Summercamp? Nothing good, that’s for sure… Second attempt at FF, please be nice! Canon pairings. COMPLETE!
1. Cullens Hate The Culinary Arts

Disclaimer: I own nothing, it all belongs o Stephenie Meyer.

This is my second posted FanFiction, ever. So please, be gentle and tell me what you think and if it's worth going on. I've got a good plot line set up, at least.

Chapter One: Cullens Hate The Culinary Arts

EPOV

I sighed. Another day, another boring half an hour sitting in the dreary cafeteria with nothing to do but stare morosely at the tray of inedible junk in front of me. At least there was only a week left of school before summer break. I, for one, couldn't wait. But, in the meantime, the river of voices in my head was safely tuned out, and I prepared to sit out this torture in silence.

Today was Monday. My _least _favorite day, of all the days in this week. I knew my negative feelings were shared by many a human, but my motives were entirely different. This Monday, Bella wasn't in school with me. She was in Florida, visiting her mother and stepfather for some reason or another, and causing me crippling, yet discreet, pain. I pined for her touch and her voice; every moment without her reminded me of those awful months when I had made the most idiotic and imprudent mistake of my very long life, when I'd left her.

I groaned, my head thumping to the table in despair. If Bella knew the pain she caused me in her absence, she would be forevermore afraid to leave me, and so I'd be causing her an eternal inconvenience. I could never do that to her, so here I am, moaning and banging my head on cafeteria tables.

_Come on, Edward. _Alice chided me hopelessly in her head, shaking my shoulder. _She's coming back tomorrow, so quit your moping and get on with your life. "_You're making Jasper depressed." She added out loud.

Jasper nodded in agreement, sending a silent wave of joy my way. I fought it off effortlessly, my depressive feelings overpowering Jasper's ability. He sighed, giving up.

"I'll be going to class. Your emotions are starting to make me claustrophobic."

I shrugged as he departed the table, dumped his tray, and promptly exited the double doors leading towards the east hallway and his English class.

Emmett was busy, with Rosalie watching him disapprovingly, using his vampire speed and reflexes, throwing random objects of food at Mike Newton, occasionally Eric Yorkie, Lauren Mallory, or Jessica Stanley, and Tyler Crowley. The pieces of food were small, rolled up or squashed down into bullet-sized ammo. It was funny to see Newton slapping the back of his neck every five minutes, having been hit at vampire speed by a pea or a piece of rolled up cheese, and then looking around suspiciously for the culprit. He was so obtuse. My feelings of hatred were only increased by the fact he fancied _my _Bella. Oh, how I missed her!

At last, the lunch bell rang, signifying that we had only three minutes to get to our next classes. Rosalie, Emmett, and Alice leaped up and immediately departed for their next classroom. I, at a much slower pace, chucked my tray and all of the uneaten food on it into the nearest trash can, and gloomily shuffled off towards Biology II. This was the class I would be most lonely in; Bella sat next to me, and I would feel especially miserable with the unusually cold and empty seat by my side.

The moment I sat down at my forlorn lab table, the intercom came on, hurting my extra sensitive ears and making me cringe infinitesimally.

"WILL EMMETT, ALICE, AND EDWARD CULLEN, ALONG WITH ROSALIE AND JASPER HALE PLEASE REPORT TO THE OFFICE. THANK YOU." The shrill voice of Ms. Cope signed off with a _beeeoop _sort of sound.

I froze as everyone in the classroom turned their chairs to stare at me with an astounded expression. Even the teacher eyed me incredulously.

_Cullen? To the office? This is like, school history…_ Was what most people were thinking along the lines of. It was true, too. Never before had my family or I been called up to the front office. We were vampires, for goodness sakes! We never needed doctor or dentist appointments, as we could never get sick and had perfect teeth, we never got into trouble, we all had perfect records and grades… what could they want?

I sighed, and stood up, avoiding everyone's penetrating gaze as I swiftly and silently exited the room. The desolate hallways seemed to darken as I strode apprehensively towards the front office. As I approached, I could hear the anxious thoughts of my siblings; I would be the last to arrive.

The door creaked ominously, like in an old horror film, as I slowly opened it and entered the warm office.

My siblings were gathered calmly near the far corner of the office, murmuring low worries and profanities, in Alice's case. I quickly tuned on to her thoughts, but to no avail, she was too busy distressing over whatever was going to happen. As if that made me feel any better. I went to join my family in silence.

"Excuse me, children." An authoritive voice broke the almost inaudible buzzing of my siblings' conversations. The principal, Ms. Smith, had appeared in the doorway to her office, "Will you please join me?" She held her arm out, gesturing towards her office, and stepped aside so we could walk past her.

As we obliged, my siblings began bombarding me with thoughts like, _What the hell could she want from us? _and _What if she knows we're vampires? _and _What has Alice seen? She wouldn't tell me…_I simply shook my head and shrugged so fast that the principal wouldn't have a hope of seeing it.

And so we sat, crammed uncomfortably into a long, faded, red leather couch in front of the principal's desk. We stared at Ms. Smith expectantly, perfect expressions of innocence etched on each of our faces.

Her mind was working infuriatingly slow, full of thoughts like, _They are so hot…WAIT! I'm 32 years old…can't be thinking like that…what I wouldn't do to get the bronze-headed guy to come home with me and…_I cringed, tuning her out. Finally, she stopped ogling us and began, "Children, it has come to my attention that, in the lunch room, you never appear to consume any form of food or drink. You buy it, but…well, we are becoming rather concerned." _But their bodies are worth it…_

This spelled trouble. Not only because she was having uncensored thoughts about us, but because the issue of our eating habits had never actually been discussed. In other words, we didn't have an explanation ready.

"Oh, but Ms. Smith, that's not true. We do eat things, but not in school. And we're vegetarians." Rosalie was playing the innocent and laughably ironic 'vegetarian' card, but Ms. Smith still looked skeptical.

"Why wouldn't you eat things in school?"

Rosalie shifted uncomfortably in her seat, her eyes flickering to us pleadingly, "Our parents don't encourage us to, because they believe it's not very healthy." It sounded like a question.

"Well, in that case, why don't you ever pack your lunch? It's wasteful to buy food and not eat it."

This time, Emmett spoke up, his tone mildly melodramatic, "We have _very _busy schedules. Between _eating_, _sleeping_, school, and other things, we just don't have time to pack lunches. Our parents are even busier than us, so they can't do it either." I resisted the urge to laugh. The way Emmett said _eating _and _sleeping_, he made it seem like they were dirty cuss words.

"And we buy the food for a moral cause. It goes to our good friend, Bella." Jasper added quickly.

"Ah, yes. Miss Swan. It's unfortunate she could not be in school today. I was hoping to talk to her, as well." Ms. Smith sighed.

Why would Ms. Smith want to talk to Bella? She was the only one out of us who _did _eat. There should be no reason for her to have to come here.

Ms. Smith seemed to pick up on the dubious note left in the air, so she proceeded to explain, "Alright. Let's just get to the point," She started hurriedly, "From an anonymous source,"-_Ah, Mike Newton, what a nice boy…always honest and caring…_I grimaced at this. Of course. Newton.- "I have come to become concerned for your well being when it comes to diet. You never appear to eat or drink any sort of cuisine or beverage, and so it has come to my knowledge that you may have possible eating disorders." She stopped and raised her index finger, "But, today you have told me you just don't eat in _school_, so my fears are lessened. However, as all of you are among the top students in this school, I have the right to be worried about you, and so, I have gathered funds from the district to send you all, including Miss Swan, to Culinary Arts Summer Camp for help." And with that, she smiled a broad, toothy smile that stretched her thin face until I was sure it would split.

Silence. Hypothetical cricket noises could be heard. Even everyone's mind was blank. We all stared, thunderstruck, at Ms. Smith. Not a sound could be heard, except for her frenzied heartbeat as she started having explicit fantasies about Jasper.

Abruptly, everyone burst out,

"COOKING?!" Emmett cried, "HOLY SHIT!"

"Language, Mr. Cullen!" Ms. Smith admonished sternly.

"No thank you Ms. Smith, that's really not necessary!" Jasper began becoming slightly hysterical at the prospect of being surrounded by human food, and started hyperventilating unnecessarily, as he didn't really need to breath. However, his feelings of hysteria began circulating through the room, and so, we all became flustered and panicked.

"No need! No need! NO NEED!" Wailed Rosalie, who started twitching nervously.

"Of course there is a need, dear. Even if you don't need it, it will be a memorable experience." Ms. Smith chastised gently.

"Why would Bella need to attend?" I asked nervously, more concerned for Bella's happiness than mine, at this point. She shouldn't have to suffer for my family's… "vampirism".

"Well, Mr. Cullen, I have extensively discussed your relationship with Bella with, ehm, _another _anonymous source," - _Jessica Stanley_. _What a sweet girl…_Ugh. I groaned internally. - "and have come to the conclusion that Miss Swan's participation will help you along the path to well being." Great. Just _GREAT_. I sniffed involuntarily, a buried human instinct, while Ms. Smith eyed me apprehensively.

Suddenly, I felt the need to do something. I…I could…you know… jump off a cliff! Or cut myself! Or… or… WAIT! "_Jasper_!" I hissed angrily at vampire speed. He straightened himself from his pitiful hunched-over position on the couch and gave me a sheepish glance. I let out one last dry-sob, and composed myself quickly. Jasper would pay in due time. I refocused my attention to the argument at hand.

"Our parents wouldn't approve!" Begged Alice desperately, wringing her small hands wildly.

"Don't worry, I already called them for approval. Chief Swan as well."

"THEY APPROVED?!?!" We all shrieked simultaneously.

She seemed flustered to have a bunch of panic-stricken "human" teenagers yelling at her and, so her voice became small and meek. "Well, yes."

Silence, again. I wondered why Carlisle and Esme would possibly agree. Didn't they love us? Didn't they? I suddenly found myself feeling unwanted and unloved, for no apparent reason at all, until Emmett smacked Jasper over the head and hissed, "Control yourself!"

And then the sixth period lunch bell rang. This was our chance to escape, I couldn't let it go. How cliché, saved by the bell.

"Excuse me, Ms. Smith. My siblings and I are anxious to return to our classes, and we wouldn't want to miss out on anything, now would we?" I used the most sultry tone I could conjure up, and burned my eyes into her shallow blue ones with an intensity I only saved for Bella. But this was an emergency.

She stopped breathing, and her heart rate picked up. Her mind was wiped as blank as a white board. How disturbing.

"O-of c-course, Mr. C-cullen." She managed to sputter out, knocking her horn-rimmed glasses askew.

Huh. We didn't need telling twice. We almost literally flew out the room, fast as we dared go without raising suspicion. Everyone was seething quietly about the "Culinary Arts Camp". What sort of ludicrous inspiration could possibly stir up that idea! And WHY would Carlisle and Esme accept? It could quite possibly blow our cover, and thoroughly humiliate all of us in the process! I was going to have to have a word with my parent figures when I got home.

Sighing, I found myself counting the seconds until Bella would arrive back in my arms.

**So, what do you think? This was a bit of a filler chapter, but hey… we all have to start somewhere. Any advice? Suggestions? I'm new to FanFiction, so any help is appreciated.**

**Review, please! It would thoroughly make my day!**


	2. Reasons and Bets on Buses

Disclaimer: I own nothing, it all belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

**Thank you so much for the reviews, guys! They made me feel good. Is Jasper in the room? Well, anyways, I've decided to make Chapter Two into two parts, because they are meant to be together, but are in different points of view. 1****st**** Part: CPOV with why he approved, 2****nd**** Part: EPOV with a bet Emmett and Jazz put into action. **

**I think Carlisle is pretty OOC, but…**

Chapter Two, Part One: Reasons

CPOV (Carlisle)

(A/N: This part of the story is _before _Edward and the gang find out they have to go to 'Camp' .)

It was dark by the time my shift at the hospital was over and I sauntered anxiously over to my precious baby. My _Mercedes. Rawr_.

The soft, but infinitely aristocratic _purr _of my baby's engine soothed my agitated nerves. My latest patient had suffered from chronic liver failure, and had constantly been coming back for treatments and updates on available donors. He would need a transplant soon.

Ugh. I shook my head. I was becoming a workaholic, I realized that. Last week, I had put down Esme and her gardening party at the Stanley's in order to stay up all night (Because I could, of course) to make endless phone calls and e-mails, searching for a liver donor.

NO! I'm thinking about livers, again… _No livers, no livers, Carlisle_…

And this week! I canceled two different hunting trips with my family just so I could go and fax liver diagrams and recovery charts to a liver specialist in Oregon… _Liver…_

I pulled into the spacious garage, right next to Edward's Volvo. I swiftly opened, exited, and shut my baby's door, all in the blink of an eye, and trudged despondently into my vacated home. I sighed. After the two cancellations, my family had at last decided to just go without me. _Stupid livers…_

I wanted to be with my family, to hunt and laugh and enjoy their company! Curse Joe and his liver failure! But I couldn't give up on Joe now. This was my job, damn it! But my family came first… My family…My job… Joe… His liver…

"Arghh!" I snarled at nothing in particular, falling to my knees and pulling at my hair like a deranged psychopath. I dropped my black leather briefcase, which fell to the floor with a dull _thud_.

And, the moment the briefcase toppled over onto its side from the impact, the answer came to me. In the guise of a phone call.

I whipped my head around to the phone, focusing in on while imagining crosshairs on my vision. Stumbling up to answer it, I gingerly removed the phone from the receiver.

"Hello? Cullen residence." I said calmly, quickly composing myself.

"Hello, this is Ms. Smith, the principal of Forks High School. Would this by any chance be Mr. Carlisle Cullen?"

"It would." I answered cautiously. Why would a school principal be calling people at 9:30 PM? On a Saturday?

"Oh, good." I heard Ms. Smith take a deep breath, "Well, I am calling to discuss a recent observation I have made on your children's eating habits. They… don't seem to have any. At lunch they are seen with food, but not eating it."

Oh dear. This could get sticky. I would have to tread carefully from this point on. "Ms. Smith, I assure you, my children are completely healthy in their eating habits; they simply choose to, eh, eat very large breakfasts and dinners, with no lunch."

"Hmm, well. Alright. I was just concerned for their well being, as they _are _the top students in my school…"

"Of course. Thank you, Ms. Smith." I relieved. Phew, close one.

"…However, I still think it would be a good idea to follow through with my original plan. Sending them to Culinary Arts Summercamp would be ideal in helping them to broaden their horizons, don't you think?"

I stood at the phone, open mouthed and silent with shock. But swiftly, I realized the value of such a proposition. I could have the kids at cooking camp, where they would be distracted and busy, while I would stay home, fluctuating between work and… other things… with Esme…

"Yes, of course. That is a wonderful idea! I give my full approval. Is there a fee?" I excitedly accepted, not truly absorbing the problems accompanying such an excursion.

"No, I managed to gather enough from the district. Thank you for your support, Mr. Cullen. It is truly appreciated. I will send the forms home with the children tomorrow. Goodnight." And with that, she hung up.

I don't know if it was seconds, minutes, or hours, standing still as a statue with the phone still held to my ear in silent shock, but when the front door opened, I immediately unloosened myself and hung up the phone.

"Carlisle?" It was Edward, followed gradually by the others. Instantly, I began filling my head with thoughts about Joe's liver issues. "Uhh… Never mind. I'll just be going to my room." And he trudged up the stairs, glancing at me inquisitively. I would have to be careful with my thoughts until tomorrow.

"Hello, Dear." My lovely wife. I embraced her.

"Hey dad! How's it goin'?" Emmett. Boisterous, as always.

"Hi." Jasper. He was a man of few words.

"Hiya, Carlisle!" Alice, in all her bubbliness.

"I'm going to go fix my hair." Rosalie, of course.

I smiled. It was a sad one, but covered up by my brewing excitement. Jasper eyed me curiously, but I only shrugged. They would be leaving soon, if all went well and they accepted. Hopefully Alice had not already seen my decision.

This 'camp' could possibly uncover our secret, but I wanted some time to myself and Esme. Needed it. I realized I had been subconsciously deciding to withdraw from the family, bit by bit, because the strain was getting to my head. The 'workoholism', the avoiding family activities… it was all part of it. This plan had the potential to relieve my family and myself of the stress; if it pulled through all right, that is.

Tomorrow, I would know if I had made the right choice.

_The next day, after school and the 'big' news…_

Still CPOV

They would be coming home soon. I paced anxiously, listening for their approach. I think Esme thought I had finally cracked. I had informed her of my decision to send the children away to camp for a little while; she seemed as excited about our time alone as I was. But she was also far more concerned for their safety. I assured her it would be fine, they were all obviously old enough to take care of themselves and if things got out of hand, they would easily remove themselves from the situation. Simple, really.

And then I heard Edward's snarling. Ah, what a temper that boy has.

The front door burst open, revealing five _very _unhappy vampires. Edward glared at me balefully, thrusting a stack of forms into my hands as he jabbed at my chest with his finger.

"What the HELL, Carlisle?!"

"It's all for the best."

"The best? The _BEST_? Carlisle, this could uncover us! Reveal our secret!"

"Nonsense, Edward." I was surprised at how calm I was. Jasper.

He huffed angrily, preparing to protest, but Alice interrupted from behind him.

"Actually, Edward, I have seen that nothing exactly goes _wrong_…" She paused, looking amused and slightly embarrassed, "But things _do _get a little out of hand."

Jasper started amplifying his calming waves, forcing Edward to settle down. He grudgingly conceded.

Alice continued, "And Carlisle, your motives are pure. I think it would be wonderful for you two to take a break from us. We shall go." She giggled and winked.

Groans circulated through the room, but they were of defeat. It seemed I had won.

Chapter Two, Part Two: Betting on a Bus

EPOV

I had moped constantly during the last week of school. Even the return of Bella on Tuesday had not been able to completely relieve my horror and fear. The worst part was telling her straight out she would have to go too. To my immense surprise, she seemed happy to be going. Of course, she was human; she could _ea_t!

"As long as you're there, I'll be happy." She had told me in her exquisite voice. What a angel my Bella was. How she could love a creature such as I was beyond me, but… that only made me love her more.

The day of our departure, I had made one last attempt to persuade Carlisle this was a ridiculous and very bad idea. Of course, he overlooked my pleading, and assured me that it would be alright. Alice had been no help either. Sometimes she would erupt into spontaneous giggles, subject of the humiliation we were sure to endure at the godforsaken camp. Her visions were always blocked off to me, to my great irritation.

I, in the meantime, was seated in an uncomfortable and extremely hard and lumpy bus seat; the only thing consoling me was the fact Bella was seated right next to me, her head resting on my chest. The sounds of her heartbeat and breathing melded together into my favorite melody of all, comforting me and distracting me from the impending doom we were all irrevocably destined for. Not to mention the variety of teenage minds thinking all about my family and Bella… in very overt fantasies. I resisted the urge to growl.

Overall, I was not a very happy camper. And we weren't even at camp yet.

"Edward?" Bella asked from my chest.

"Hmm?"

"Uhh, Your phone is vibrating."

I hadn't noticed. Bella can be such a distraction, sometimes. I pulled it out and flipped it open. The caller ID said: Alice Cell. I pressed the phone to my ear.

"What is it Alice?" My head spun to look at Alice over the variety of human heads. She was seated next to Jasper five seats down from us, making sure Jasper behaved himself. Even though he had fed this morning, you never knew when he might snap. Alice herself was clutching her phone and staring at me.

"You may want to do something about Emm--" She broke off, just as Emmett, who was seated three seats ahead of Bella and I, began singing one of the most hideous and awful songs in the history of…_ever._

"Oh, God, no…" I muttered, but it was too late.

_The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round,_

'_round and 'round, 'round and 'round,_

_The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round,_

_All through the town!_

Emmett's deep tenor voice was _not _destined to be singing children's songs. It was like… A beluga whale attempting to sing the song of a sparrow, or something. Bella was staring at him incredulously as he started making a scene.

_The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish,_

_Swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish,_

_The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish,_

_All through the town!_

He got out of his seat and began dancing in the bus aisle. After a few Disco moves and pelvic thrusts, he started up again.

_The door on the bus goes open and shut  
Open and shut, open and shut  
The door on the bus goes open and shut  
All through the town._

"Oh, Edward…My eyes…" Bella moaned. Emmett was now zipping and unzipping the zipper on the front of his jacket to go along with the lyrics. I was paralyzed in shock.__

The horn on the bus goes "Beep, beep, beep  
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep"  
The horn on the bus goes "Beep, beep, beep"  
All through the town.

The bus had gone silent, all watching Emmett's performance. Some of the dance moves he was doing were definitely rated PG 13 or up._  
_  
_The gas on the bus goes "Glug, glug, glug  
Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug"  
The gas on the bus goes "Glug, glug, glug"  
All through the town._

He grabbed some random guy's water bottle and started chugging it, to all of my family's disgust and amazement._  
_

_The money on the bus goes "Clink, clink, clink,  
Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink"  
The money on the bus goes "Clink, clink, clink"  
All through the town._

The baby on the bus says, "Wah, wah, wah!  
Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah!"  
The baby on the bus says, "Wah, wah, wah!"  
All through the town.  


_The people on the bus say, "Shh, shh, shh,  
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh"  
The people on the bus say, "Shh, shh, shh"  
All through the town._

The mommy on the bus says, "I love you,  
I love you, I love you"  
The daddy on the bus says, "I love you, too"  
All through the town.

And for his finale, he scooped up a very embarrassed and angry Rose up from her seat and began dancing with her. He bowed, and returned to his seat in silence. Rose's profanities and reprimands were the only sounds on the bus after that, until Bella caught my shocked attention.

"What in the world was that about?" She asked breathlessly, shakily.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls! Please focus your attention on seat 18!" Jasper yelled before I could answer Bella's question. Heads turned immediately towards him.

…_hah, Emmett made a huge mistake when he bet he could embarrass his wife more on the bus…wait 'till he gets a load of this…_

Uh oh. I sighed. Emmett and Jasper enjoyed gambling immensely, but sometimes it got out of hand. Could they have chosen a worse time to engage in one of their 'showdowns'?

"I do believe Jasper and Emmett are staging a bet, love. We'll just have to watch how it plays out." I finally answered Bella's question. She look understandably scared. I tightened my arms around her.

And with that, Jasper whipped out a shiny brass trumpet from under his seat (he must have smuggled it onto the bus) and put it to his lips. Alice looked murderous.

It sounded like a symphony of dying ducks. Space ducks.

Jasper was attempting, and failing, to play the 'Star Wars' theme with horrendous… well, it was awful and gross. Let's keep it at that.

(A/N: Pretend this sounds like the theme with me!)

_Quaaaaaaaaaack,_

_Quaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!_

_Quack, Quack, Quack, QUACK! Quack!_

_Quack, Quack, Quack, QUACK! Quack!_

_Quack quack quack quaaaaaaaack!_

He removed the dreaded instrument from his mouth, and whipped another prop from under his seat; a plastic, toy Darth Vader helmet, apparently with programmed 'sayings', according to Jasper's thoughts. He jammed it onto Alice's head, the black of the helmet clashing horribly with her pink and orange silk designers sun dress, and pressed the "Try me" button on the side. Immediately, the helmet rasped,

"_I_ am your _father_! MUAHAHA!" Unfortunately the effect was ruined when Jasper started playing again and Alice screamed,

"WHAT THE HELL, JAZZ?!"

Abruptly, the bus lurched to a screeching stop, causing Jasper to lose his balance and accidentally shove the trumpet into his mouth and partially down his throat…OUCH!

Alice screamed in fury and embarrassment, also falling flat on her face whilst thrashing wildly in an attempt to rid herself of the helmet.

"We're here!" Our totally oblivious driver croaked in a rough voice, "Welcome Culinary Arts Camp!"

My brothers made an infinite mockery of themselves today; I could use this to embarrass them in future events. Bella started laughing hysterically as Jasper coughed out the trumpet, rubbing his throat. Her body was shaking so violently with mirth, I could have been under the impression a warm, wonderful-smelling massage chair was perched in my lap; if I didn't know any better. The whole bus soon followed her example soon after.

This was going to be a _long_ day.

**This chapter is also a bit of a filler chapter, but don't worry; next chapter the action starts! My inspiration from Jazz's act was from a hilarious YouTube video; go and search "Star wars trumpet" or something! Please review, it makes me happy.**

**Preview of next chapter: **

As I took in the grand and utterly overt entrance this disturbingly _familiar _stranger had made, I couldn't help but notice the blond hair, the carefully gelled up spikes…

Wait a minute.

"_Newton._" I hissed venomously.

Oh, dear.

**Oh no! What's gonna happen with some familiar faces at camp? Tune in next time!**


	3. Bittersweet Introductions

Disclaimer: I own nothing, it all belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

**Thanx 4 the reviews! Here is the chapter with summa that hard-core jealousy, courtesy of… Who? Mike Newton? Wolves? GASP!!! The results of Edward's roomies is woven into this special, extra-long chapter!**

Chapter Three: Bittersweet Introductions

EPOV

After the 'Emmett/Jasper incident' on the bus, I had rushed Bella off the vehicle and into the building with a rusty 'Camp Meetings, Please Meet Here For First Day Of Camp' sign perched in front as fast as I could without making people skeptical of my humanity.

And then, the moment I entered the decrepit cabin, one of the most disgusting and disturbing odors corrupted my senses. It was rather like skunk, perhaps mixed with a bit of wet dog. And that's what it was, the scent that made me struggle to control my instincts of ripping and snapping, to utterly destroy the source of the smell. Dog.

_Werewolves._

The whole Quileute pack was there, gathered in a circle around an empty brick fire pit, wrinkling up their noses and turning to glare incredulously at me. Jacob seemed especially unhappy to see me.

"What the hell are you doing here, _leech_?" I hated Jacob indefinitely.

"I could ask the same thing, _mutt_." I replied in equally disgusted tones. He huffed defiantly, but then saw Bella standing next to me. She waved, and he immediately brightened and smiled at her. I tightened my arm around her waist protectively. He noticed, and started glaring at me again.

I could hear all of the explicit and envious thoughts swirling around his head. He was about to make some sort of smart aleck retort, when someone else burst into the musty room.

"Attention, all campers on deck! Over!" A short, squat woman of about 40 wearing a tattered old apron and chef's hat yapped in a commanding tone. Her lank, dirty blond but- going-gray hair was pushed sloppily up into a messy bun poking out from under the hat. I was strongly reminded of an extremely irate Yorkshire Terrier I had once seen in a pet shop window. Immediately, employees and campers began pouring in through the double doors, apparently anxious not to upset the Yorkshire Terrier woman. And with good reason. Her thoughts might have made me think that WorldWar3 had just been set in motion.

I saw my family, who then spotted me, and swiftly came to join Bella and I. Bella and Alice started discussing the problems of having werewolves at this camp. Jasper looked ready to cry, if that were possible.

"They confisticated my trumpet!" Jasper whined, "And the helmet, too…"

I chuckled, earning myself a dark glance from him and a surge of fear. _This is nothing to laugh about, Edward! Now Emmett has the upper hand in the bet! I have nothing to work with! Shame! Shame! I will have lost myself a good 3000 dollars!_

I shook my head and just laughed harder. "These bets will be the death of you, dear brother. You actually bet $_3000_?" He glowered at me, but suddenly, I wasn't paying attention to him.

A screeching sound could be heard outside. It was loud enough that even the humans heard it, and bewilderedly turned their attention to the sound, gathering at the windows for a better look. I could see fine from here.

A certain someone was skidding to a casual halt on top of a sleek, red Harley-Davidson (A/N: I know nothing of motorbikes, so forgive me if it sounds weird.). I couldn't tell who it was, as they were completely covered by leather and a black riding helmet. People were holding their breaths incredulously and curiously, even Yorkshire woman, as the figure parked his bike and kicked off of it in a casual and unruly manner.

The person approached the doors, striding confidently and defiantly, before finally bursting the doors open with a blasé shove, and removing his helmet in the process.

As I took in the grand and utterly overt entrance this disturbingly _familiar _stranger had made, I couldn't help but notice the blond hair, the carefully gelled up spikes…

Wait a minute.

"_Newton._" I hissed venomously.

Oh, dear.

"Cullen." He acknowledged me in a cool and aloof manner, but his thoughts gave him away; he was so scared he was on the verge of peeing himself, and he was repeatedly damning himself in his head for what he was going to attempt to do.

I narrowed my eyes in challenge. But before I could get some good old, Newton ass-kicking, humiliating done, Yorkshire lady called us all to attention.

"Attention! Front and center, campers! Gather in a circle, and sit!" She barked authoritively, swinging a spatula around dangerously.

Glaring at Mike, my family and I obliged, squeezing ourselves into the steadily forming ring of hormonal teenagers. I leaned into Bella, softly nuzzling her neck, hearing her pulse quicken. It was pure poetry. Especially with the added bonus of Mike and Jacob's seething thoughts in the background.

"Alrighty, let's chop chop, people. My name is Ms. Yapp, and I am your camp counselor and head chef." Hmm… Ms. Yapp. How fitting. "Now, the reason you have gathered in this circle, is to make introductions fast and painless. You are to state your name, the reason you are here, and an interesting fact about yourself. Are we clear?!" She yapped.

"Sir, yes sir!" Oh, no. Jasper had been in the army when he'd been human; I guess the knee-jerk reactions never really wore off. He had leaped up and given Ms. Yapp a thoroughly sincere and amazingly professional salute, before sitting back down again in silence.

"Salutations, private!" (A/N: I don't really know how they talked in the army back then, or even now, so…) Ms. Yapp acknowledged him, impressed. "Now… we'll start with… you! Up and over, private!" She was pointing directly at…me.

I nodded in acknowledgement, and began. "Well, I am Edward Cullen, the reason I am here is because my parents forced me to, and an interesting thing about me is," _I'm a vampire. Ah, sarcasm. _"I enjoy playing the piano." Yapp nodded, and then turned her gaze to Bella, who, of course, blushed crimson.

"I, uh, I am B-bella Swan, and I am here because… I um, _am_… and an interesting thing about me is… um… I hate snow." Not very original, and yet, in _her _way it was. How I loved my Bella.

It continued on like this, Ms. Yapp choosing her victims one by one to interrogate from the circle. It turned out, most people had either been forced by their parents, or forced by their friends to come here. There was a total of three people here who seemed actually happy to be here. A few of the more… interesting, interesting things about some people included a boy who was afraid of Tabasco Hot Sauce, and a pair of giggling twin girls who said they immensely enjoyed collecting toenails. EW.

Newton had somehow settled himself between Jacob and a wolf named Jared, I do believe, and we all waited patiently for him to tell us his reasons for coming here. Why was he here, anyways? _I _for one would like to know. He started, "Well, then. I'm Mike Newton and I'm here to meet the girl of my dreams! I am determined to claim my prize!"

Oh my God. Who did he think he was? Bella was not a prize to be won! I felt utter and undying loathing for the petty human boy.

My hate was only amplified, when Jacob came next, speaking with his obstinate and, in my opinion, utterly unbearable confidence and overtly swelled ego. "I'm Jacob Black, here because, well…" - he glanced at Sam, who shrugged - "my friend here's fiancée made us…and an interesting fact about me is that I build cars."

The other wolves' all had different names… Embry, Quil…etc., but the same reasons for being here. Apparently, that Emily girl got fed up with the boys' appetites and decided to send them here so they could learn some useful skills and save her some stress. Their interests mainly included cliff-diving, eating, and sleeping. Talk about dramatic.

Rosalie came next, absently speaking while trying to ignore the lustful glances of every human male in the room, "I am Rosalie Hale, here because I was forced, and I enjoy attention." I snorted. Of course. _Well, Rose. According to the thoughts of all the human males in this room, any one of them would simply _die_ for a chance to give _you_ some 'attention'…_

Emmett seemed to notice all the hungry looks his wife was attracting, and promptly slid his hand around her waist before glaring at all the male offenders in turn, before retorting, "I'm Emmett. Emmett Cullen. I'm here because my parents shoved me into it. I immensely enjoy kicking the asses of guys dumb enough to ogle at my woman." And then he grinned menacingly, causing a lot of cold sweats to break out and a lot of nervous gulping.

Jasper rolled his eyes. "I'm Jasper Hale. I'm here because my parents enrolled me against my will. I am sorely disappointed that the camp administrators had to take away my trumpet." He drawled in a monotone as Alice elbowed him irately at the mention of his and Emmett's bet.

Once Alice had the hypothetical spotlight shining in her face, she couldn't help but smile widely, dazzling everyone in a three foot range. She giggled, "I'm Alice Cullen, who is here today because I was unwillingly forced, and I have a passion for all things fashion! Not to mention makeovers and yellow Italian sports cars!" She squealed happily and clapped her little hands together.

At last, THANK GOD!, the "quick and painless" introductions were over. Ms. Yapp then explained to us that we would be sleeping (Well, _most _people would be sleeping) in separate cabins with two other people. No boys and girls in the same cabin. That made me sad, no Bella…

We didn't get to choose our roommates. I dreaded the prospect of having to spend any long amount of time near a hormonal teenage boy, in this case, two, and have to pretend to be 'normal' and 'human'. The smell of that disgusting 'Axe' stuff burned my nostrils almost as bad as werewolf reek. I remembered the time when Emmett had once brung a bottle home, convinced it would make the house small good. It didn't. The house stunk for weeks.

"Cullen, Edward!" I snapped my head up when my name was called by Ms. Yapp. She beckoned me over.

"Bye, love." I parted with Bella gloomily.

"Bye. See you soon? Outside a certain someone's window?"

I smiled. "Probably, but you never know." And with a final stroke of her soft, warm cheek, I stood up and sauntered over to Ms. Yapp to receive my cabin and roommate assignments.

"Mr. Cullen, you shall be assigned cabin B6, and roomed with Mr. Michael Newton and Mr. Jacob Black." She told me in her yappish tone, handing me a slip with all the essential information.

My jaw dropped, and time froze. The small, green slip of paper fluttered noiselessly to the ground.

(A/N: I thought about stopping here, but I didn't.)

Silence engulfed the majority of the room, a few, oblivious clusters of humans chatted idly in the unnatural stillness.

My jaw was still on the floor, my mind going blank with shock and disgust. Ms. Yapp turned away from me and began doling out other people's assignments.

The Quileute wolf pack was thinking sympathetic, although not exactly helpful thoughts.

_OH MY GOD!!! I'M PAIRED WITH A BLOODSUCKER! AND CULLEN, NO LESS! Breath, Jacob, breath…_

_Poor Jacob…_

_Ugh…now I'm glad I was paired with strangers…_

_Gross, how will he be able to fall asleep with the smell?_

_I hope they don't murder each other in bed…oops…Cullen can't sleep…_

Sigh. This was awkward. My family was horrified, but also quite amused.

_As long as you keep yourself in check, Edward, this could get quite interesting…_Alice thought to me in giggles.

I was suddenly hit by one of Alice's visions,

_It was dark, early morning, but there was little light in the pale orange and pink sky. I sat on the porch of my cabin, escaping the awful dog-stench as best I could. _

_Suddenly, a dark shadow flashed past the pine trees just about ten yards away._

_It was gone as soon as it appeared. I rose warily, scanning the woods for any signs of danger. I saw none, and just as I let my guard down… _

_The something huge and dark crashed into me, knocking me to the ground._

I rose my eyebrows in revelation. That didn't look too good. I wasn't going outside tonight, that's for sure. The vision immediately cleared. Good.

"Off to your cabins, people! Chop chop! Get unpacked and ready for bed, tomorrow is your first day of cooking!" Yapped Ms. Yapp.

"Well," I grunted irritably to a sulking Jacob and a solemn Newton through my clenched teeth, "We had better get to cabin B6." I roughly grabbed my lone duffle bag, slinging it over my shoulder with ease. I swiftly bent down to reclaim the small green slip from the floor, and studied the crude map drawn onto it. I wordlessly exited the Meeting Building, without looking back to see if they were following me. Of course, I could tell that they were; their heartbeats and thoughts were far more than enough to convince me that they were just a few feet behind me.

We passed Bella and her roommates. She had all the luck in the world; Rose and Alice were _her _partners. She warned me to be careful and keep in check with a glance towards me. Lucky.

Jasper and Emmett were paired together, along with the boy who'd been HotSauceophobic. I rolled my eyes. Jasper felt my emotions, and grinned devilishly.

_Jealous, now are we, Edward? Have fun with your roomies… _I growled too low for anyone else but him as he and his partners turned off the main trail and into a shabby old cabin labeled _C9. _

At the very end of the forested culdesac of cabins, which most humans were now dispersing into, dragging their luggage, was a small and ugly little shack that had a rusted old license plate nailed onto the door. Cabin B6. Oh, _wonderful_.

I swiftly dragged my duffle bag onto the grimy porch and pushed the door open. I had to be extra careful, as the door seemed so excessively old and frail. I coughed as dust was blown up into my face by a stray breeze. I noticed the windows were dirt-encrusted and cracked in various places. The shutters were rotting pitifully.

When I finally entered the old cabin, it seemed even uglier on the inside than the outside. There were three cot-like beds, jammed in a corner by a crumbly fireplace. The walls smelled old and on the verge of starting to decompose. A faded rug was spread out, covering most of the hard-wooden floor. There was a small coffee table pushed up against the east wall, three knotted stools surrounding it. Everything was covered in dust, and spider webs swathed every available corner and cranny.

It seemed a fitting haunt for one vampire, one werewolf, and scrawny human boy.

"Well, I'd say this place has seen better days." I froze in surprise. Jacob had managed to sneak up on me and take a look at the decrepit old shack from behind me. He wrinkled his nose and shook infinitesimally at our close proximity as he made his evaluation.

Mike looked rather dismayed at the dilapidated hut we were to spend the next three weeks in together, but he hid his feelings well.

We shoved our luggage into a dust corner and set to work on attempting to rehabilitate the cabin. I easily moved the beds so they were each at a separate corner of the cabin, allowing as little space as possible between us. Jacob set to arranging the coffee table and stools in an appropriate spot, while Newton was left to do the dusting and cobweb onslaught. Jacob and I were done in a matter of minutes, and we sat having a glaring contest while Newton worked feverishly, wiping up dust, attacking cobwebs, and sneezing.

By the time it was about 8:00 PM, Newton was done and had collapsed on his bed in exhaustion. I won the staring contest. Being a vampire had its perks, occasionally; we had no need to blink, but we did anyways. Jacob's now-tired eyes began closing, and after a while, he announced he was beat, too.

"Have a nice _sleep, _leech."

"Ha ha. Go to your doghouse in hell, mutt." I turned away from him and plopped onto my own cot, laying down and feigning sleep in aggravation.

He growled provocatively, but I ignored it. He too, fell asleep after a few minutes.

The hours passed slowly. I never moved from my spot on my cot, and soon, I got bored.

Sighing and sitting up quietly, I stared wistfully out the cracked and dirty window.

Well, I _had_ told Bella I would probably be able to go check up on her. Why not? I silently slipped out from under the stiff sheets and stole quickly and quietly out the front door.

The darkness was comforting, and the crisp night air instantly cleared my senses of dog and Newton. I ran towards cabin A5, where I could pinpoint Bella's intoxicating freesia aroma. Crouching beneath _her _really scummy and cracked window, I listened to her heartbeat and breathing. It soothed me, and I sat there for a few minutes in bliss.

Abruptly, something rock-hard and cold smacked cruelly onto my head.

"Ouch! What the…" I didn't finish my sentence as I looked up to see Alice and Rosalie narrowing their eyes and leering down at me.

"What in the world are you doing here?!" Hissed Rosalie, "It's the middle of the night!"

"Stalkerish tendencies and obsessive behavior have not been deemed healthy, Edward." Alice reprimanded in a whisper. "Perhaps if you came earlier, you would have had more luck. Bella is asleep now, and you shan't wake her up."

"I wasn't planning to!" I protested quietly, acutely aware of Bella's sleeping status.

Alice sighed. "Go back to B6, Romeo. Crouching under your Juliet's window will get you nowhere." Rosalie laughed silently.

I sighed. I could see their point. Sulkily, I rose and shuffled back towards my cabin, aware of the piercing stares I could feel boring into my back as I retreated.

**Whee! Another chapter done! Hope you liked it, and thanks for voting on who Edward's roomies were. I apologize to all of you who would have preferred Emmett and Jazz, but don't worry; they'll have their fair share of the mischief, in due time.**

**Review, you know you want to…**

**VeggieVamp**

**Preview of the next chapter:**

Suddenly, Edward began coughing. He lurched over and began retching horribly.

Emmett watched in sad silence. He turned to me, as I watched my true love gag on the floor. "Do you know what actually happens?"

I was stunned into silence, so I nodded fearfully. " Isn't there anything we can do?" I knew there wasn't, and that Edward would be OK, but I still hated seeing him an any kind of pain.

"Well…" Emmett began explaining to me the dynamics of what happens when a vampire gets indigestion, or, in other words, whenever they eat human food.

**Ooh, bet you've never seen a vampire get indigestion before, huh?**


	4. Do You Know What Actually Happens?

Disclaimer: I own nothing, it's all Stephanie Meyers. I don't own the show Hell's Kitchen either, but it's good.

**Thank you all, as usual, for the reviews and Alert/Favorite Tags; they make me feel so good! I shall work extra hard to pump out as many chapters as fast as possible! Sorry this one was held up... computer errors. Here's chapter 4, hope you enjoy!** **It's in Bella'sPOV. **

Chapter Four: Do You Know What Actually Happens?

BPOV

Last night, I had stayed awake until 10:36 PM, praying that Edward would show up. He never did. I felt hurt and sad, but of course, I still loved him. Nothing could ever change that.

However, I had a hard time falling asleep without the cold, hard rock lying next to me, so I had really only gotten about three hours of sleep in total. Rose and Alice were comforting presences, but nothing like Edward.

Today would be our first official day of Culinary Arts Camp. I was mildly excited, but... really! I had better things to be doing during my summer vacation! At least the Cullens were here with me.

"Bellaaaaa!" Alice shook me by the shoulders, dragging me over to her five, and I mean FIVE _huge _duffle bags, each a different color with her name embroidered on each one, and began sorting through the masses of designer clothing.

"Alice, I still cannot believe you brought all that stuff! You needed clothes for three weeks, not three years!" My eyes bulged out a bit, as I realized that she had even_ more_ clothing, in air-tight travel-size compact bags, buried within the many different skirts and shirts. She shrugged.

"Fashion is like air, Bella. You need to breath it, embrace it–"

"Trip on it?" Rosalie interrupted with a smirk, glancing at me playfully. We laughed. Rose and I were definitely on better terms, but she still had her dark sense of humor and snide remarks.

"Okay, people. Enough dawdling. We need to get dressed and head to Hell's Kitchen. I love that show..." Alice sighed happily, brusquely zoning out, but abruptly snapping back into reality and shoving a ready-made outfit into my arms with a change-or-you-won't-see-the-light-of-tomorrow look. I sighed, and sulked into the cramped bathroom to change.

As we made our way to the cooking hall around 7:00 AM, my stomach growled. I blushed, looking down, but asked, "Isn't there going to be some sort of breakfast?"

Alice chuckled, but then made a face. "Well, sort of. You'll get to...eat what you make, so to say. Ugh." I laughed at her expression, and was secretly relieved. I wonder what we'll be making?

"Omelettes and pancakes." Alice's clairvoyance had its uses, when it wasn't monitoring murderous hordes of vampires stalking Seattle, or anxiously observing Edward's suicide plans in Italy...

"Fabulous." Rose spat sarcastically, clearly not in a good mood. I couldn't blame her.

When we finally made it to the cooking hall, we found we were one of the last to arrive. Curse Alice and her sense of overbearing fashion. We spotted the boys almost right away.

"Edward!" I cried happily, making a beeline for him with my infuriating human speed. When I finally made it to his arms, I remembered last night. "Why didn't you come last night?" I pouted expectantly up at him, searching his expression for answers.

"Oh, just a little holdup, courtesy of _my favorite sisters_." He glared over my head at Alice and Rose, who had placed immaculate expressions of innocence on their faces.

"You were sleeping, Bella. A desperate, teenage vampire boy crouching pitifully under your window is not worth waking you up." Rose replied sweetly. However, due to Edward's angry huff, her thoughts must have been more descriptive. I blew it off, not wanting to waste any more time.

"We should go inside now, I'm starved. And I'm _sure_ you all are practically _dying_ to start cooking!" I laughed, taking Edward's hand and steering him towards the building, ignoring the unamused grumbles from behind me.

As soon as the double doors shut behind me, I was ambushed by Ms. Yapp, who was about a foot shorter than me and three times as wide. I would have been completely bowled over, if not for Edward, who yanked me to safety before I could crash to the floor.

"YOU ARE LATE!!!" She screeched angrily after steadying herself from her attempted assault. "NO ONE IS _EVER _LATE IN MY CAMP!!!" Her shouts echoed off the walls, and the already-assembled students behind her cowered into a corner. Edward growled threateningly, stiffening as if prepared to crouch down and attack.

"Calm down, people." I recognized Jasper's calm, tenor voice from behind us, along with the complementary wave of tranquility he sent. Everyone instantly relaxed, even our insane cooking counselor. She almost seemed dangerous for moment.

"Alrighty, children. Gather 'round the counter; we'll be making omelettes and pancakes today." Ms. Yapp's voice seemed detached and dreamy. I raised my eyebrow at Jasper, who shrugged and toned down the joy and tranquility.

Everyone gathered around a circular, granite-topped counter in the middle of the spacious kitchen. I noticed a large array of cooking utensils, such as spatulas and cleavers, hanging precariously on a pegged billboard on an opposite wall. I shuddered, thinking of _all_ the kinds of damage I could do to myself with _those_ things...

Ms. Yap briskly demonstrated how to mix pancake batter and flip the omelette, and then let us loose. Emmett still looked completely dubious.

The Cullens and I secluded ourselves to the back of the room, around an empty counter with pots and pans hanging high above it. I noticed in my peripheral vision a very frustrated Mike Newton and Jacob eyeing me up and probably plotting on how to separate me from Edward. I sighed inwardly. When would they accept I had chosen Edward? They were still my friends, but they needed to take a hint.

I turned my attention back to my own table. "Are you guys going to be alright with the cooking? If you need help, I suppose you can ask me." I grinned and then got set to work, measuring out flour, milk, sugar, salt, and all the other pancakey ingredients. The Cullens took my lead after a few moments of curiously observing me.

It went well, to my immense surprise. I guess that, even being held back by a lacking of taste and smell, that vampires are fast learners. They made the batter perfectly, stirring it with vampire speed when Edward said no one was watching, and had it creamily smooth and chunk-free in a matter of seconds. There went my ability to do something better than Edward. I was still mixing furiously.

But, of course, all things good must come to an end eventually.

It was Emmett. He had just gotten to the stage where he could pour it into the hot frying pan, when he put too much pressure on the glass mixing bowl and it broke apart, batter and pieces of bowl exploding onto everyone in a ten foot radius. Everyone froze, covered in pancake batter, and just stood, openmouthed, at Emmett. My bowl and whisk thunked to the floor, landing precariously, but thankfully not breaking or tipping over.

"Sorry?" He squeaked sheepishly, shakily setting down the remains of the bowl.

"EMMETT!!!" We all shrieked at the same time, wiping blobs of the sticky batter out of our eyes and hair. Edward and Jasper tackled Emmett to the ground, and began a wrestling fiasco that also happened to involve their wildly thrashing limbs to knock _other _bowls of batter onto the ground and onto other, less fortunate people.

Alice was busy coughing up a storm, with Rosalie thwacking her in the back repeatedly, as Alice had apparently had her mouth open _too _wide when Emmett blew up the pancake batter, and had swallowed some of the goop.

Among the wrestling, batter-covered boy vampires, and the coughing and thwacking girl vampires, I sat, stunned and dripping with gloppy pancake mixture, which was now starting to become rather dry and crusty. Then I snapped.

"ENOUGH!" I screamed, the heat flooding to my face. I grabbed the nearest pot I could find, and threw it into the melee of wrestling boys. I heard a loud _thunk _and knew I'd hit _someone. _

"Ow, Bella!" It was Jasper. He stopped fighting and immediately took in my furious features and pissed posture. I instantaneously felt an overwhelming tsunami of calm wash over me; I was powerless, and dropped to my knees in defeat. One knee sank into my dropped bowl of batter. Ugh. As if I needed more of that.

After my little outburst, things finally settled down. Edward once again took his place by my side, looking at his feet with shame. Emmett looked fearfully at Rose, who was glaring at him with what I could feel from here as the heat and fire of a thousand, white-hot suns. Ouch.

Jasper was preforming the Heimlich (A/N: spelling?) maneuver on Alice who, at last, hacked up a venomy glob of pancake batter. I looked away to stifle my nausea.

Because of the chaos of the exploding pancake mix, we hadn't noticed the increasing audience we had been attracting. Mike, Jacob, and the wolf pack were staring at us with _especially _perturbed expressions, contrasted to the strangers who knew nothing about us, but by now had probably labeled us as 'irrevocably insane'.

A very out of breath and enraged Ms. Yapp, with her poufy chef's hat bent out at an odd angle and her messy bun undone and flying wildly about like a mad scientist's, growled at us, gesturing to our very pancake-covered selves. She managed to puff out through her anger, "Back...cabins...return...one...hour...alternate...cooking...hall...punishment..." And then she fainted, falling backwards into a puddle of pancake goop.

Edward sighed despondently, "She requires all students to return to their cabins, clean up, return to the alternate cooking hall over there,"– He gestured towards outside–"in an hour, and there we shall receive our punishment." He gulped. The now terrified students nodded meekly, and hurriedly shuffled out the door. The wolves were last to go, and shot us looks of exasperation and mistrust, before also disappearing out the door.

"Well," I quipped, hoping to lighten the mood, whilst wiping a smear of pancake mix off of Edward's chin, "That could have gone better."

A chorus of "You think?"s was vexingly returned.

Alice wiped another smear of batter off of my arm. We had all agreed with the boys that we should get ourselves cleaned up as soon as possible, and then meet then at the rec room and spend our time there before being required to return to the extra cooking hall.

"This really honestly wasn't the best idea Carlisle's ever head, huh?" Alice was busy trying to make small talk with an extremely pissed off Rose, who was now probably going to ignore Emmett for the rest of the trip.

"No, it wasn't, Alice. Well, at least Emmett will win the ludicrous bet with Jasper." She sighed angrily.

Alice giggled nervously, "I wouldn't seem so sure of that, Rose. Jazz is planning some pretty crazy stuff." She shifted nervously, probably reminiscing her last 'dare' experience with Jasper.

Rose exhaled irately

"Go take a shower, someone. We should seriously wind down a bit." I attempted to calm down the tempest before it even got started.

"Is Edward's prudishness rubbing off on you now?" Alice teased weakly, but then complied my request and departed to take a shower.

"Alice can catch up to us." I turned to Rose, shrugging blasely and turning to head out the door of our decrepit and musty old cabin.

The wet ground squelched noisily beneath my feet from an unexpected bout of rainfall last night, my feet making _shlurp_ing noises each time I pulled my foot up to take a step. I soon heard Rosalie's almost-silent footfalls beside mine. The silence wasn't uncomfortable, just...silent. Rosalie seemed content to go at my human pace.

"Bella!" My shock of bronze hair called from the rec room porch, quickly jogging over and scooping me up bridal-style, giving me a passionate kiss. Our fingers braided themselves into each others' hair, clutching us closer to each other until...

"Get a room!" I broke away from Edward to glare at the offending Emmett, who goofily smiled, flashing all of his teeth.

"Yeah, well, that's coming from the guy who causes pancake mix to explode!" I snarled, still cross with his mistake. He sombered immediately after the reminder of his slip, and slouched to stand next to a furious and ignoring Rosalie.

And so, for the next half hour, we played pool (which I stunk at, and once ended up hitting Jasper in the eye with one of the balls) in the rec room.

With a glance at his watch, Edward called us to attention. "Time to go." We all groaned, but filed after him outside, only to find an approaching thunderstorm starting to darken the skies. Edward picked me up and ran the rest of the way, just to be safe.

This time, when we walked in through the double door, I was _not _attacked by a crazy old woman. Thank goodness. We managed to sneak past Ms. Yapp, who was busy forcefully chastising a group of kids with cupcake sprinkles scattered all over their hair. We gathered at the back of the kitchen, like last time.

Abruptly, everyone but me snapped their heads forward, and narrowed their eyes dangerously.

I, much more slowly, turned to see Jacob, with his pack not too far behind.

"I'm surprised you made it through the night, bloodsucker." Jacob sneered. I glared at him disapprovingly, but I was ignored, as Edward replied scathingly, baring his teeth,

"I'm surprised as well, mongrel, but I don't let it bother me." Cool, calm Edward was back.

Jacob shrugged indifferently, but suddenly got a subtle gleam in his eyes. "You up for a little competition, Cullen?" I assumed he was relaying the bet in his mind, because Edward suddenly stiffened, but retained a determined expression on his face.

"Don't do it Edward, it won't be worth it!" Alice warned gravely, probably already having seen the dire consequences.

Edward hesitated, not wanting to wound his pride by backing down, but obviously wary of what might happen.

"Scared, are we, leech?" Jacob taunted, blatantly enjoying the emotional pain he was causing Edward. That was the last straw. Edward straightened up, glaring at Jacob right square in the eye, and nodded determinedly. Jacob smirked excitedly and declared,

"Alright! The one to eat the most food in three minutes and successfully holds it down for as long as they can, wins."

Oh. No. "Edward!" I exclaimed, grabbing his hand in a pointless attempt at restraint, "That's by God the dumbest and most naive idea I have _ever_ heard!"

He shrugged, but look down at me painfully. "Don't worry Bella, I'll make it through. Don't worry about me. I must defend my honor! I love you." This conversation was starting to sound suspiciously like one of those romantically gooey and cheesey soap operas. Oops, better turn down the heat. I glanced accusingly at Jasper, who put up his hands in surrender, before toning down the sorrow/lust emotion.

Jacob and Edward had assumed a "Texas/cowboy/showdown" pose, each facing each other about three yards away in a wide aisle between two long, rectangular counters. I could almost hear the southern 'showdown' music playing in the background. Emmett grabbed a banana from a nearby fruit bowl and sprinted over towards the tow enemies, who were also consequentially my best friend and fiancé at the same time.

Emmett raised his 'pistol'. "One, two, ready..." He started squeezing the fruit, "GO!" Mushy banana flew forcefully out of the peel, landing smack dab in the middle of Ms. Yapp's face, blinding her momentarily, her pudgy arms too fat to reach up and wipe her face. She toppled over after a moment, having slipped on the discarded peel Emmett had so carelessly thrown to the floor, and thrashed about for a while before giving up and laying there exhaustedly.

Edward made the first move, as he was quite faster than Jacob in his human form. He leaped to a plate of freshly-made croissants, shoving away the mortified teen cook, who looked like she had shed both sweat and blood to create them.

It was fascinating to watch Edward eat. He was shoving pieces of croissant into his mouth as fast as he could, grimacing each time he swallowed, but he had an air of elegance that was both charming and hilarious. The fact that Edward was shoveling human food into his mouth at top speed, making the most ridiculous of faces, and somehow, at the same time, acting as gentlemanly as if he were at a King's royal banquet, had me on the floor in hysterics in minutes.

Jacob, however, was a different story. Seconds after Edward had started massacring the croissants, he ran, bowling over a few people to get to a plate of bacon not far off. Because he wasn't hindered by the fact the human food didn't taste like dirt to him, he eagerly began devouring the bacon, cramming strip after strip into his furiously chewing mouth. It was rather impressive, although I did feel slightly nauseous after watching two of the most favorite men in my life become reduced to starving pigs within seconds.

"One minute, up!" Jasper declared, watching his brother with an expression of not only disgust, but admiration as well.

"EAT! EAT! CHEW! CHEW! SWALLOW! SWALLOW!" Emmett, Rosalie, and Alice had started up a raucous chant, pumping their fists into the air and stomping.

Edward had finished the pile of croissants and was looking around wildly for something else. He dashed towards a large bowl of scrambled eggs and started digging in, pieces of egg flying everywhere due to the speed at which he was eating. I was starting to get sick.

It definitely didn't help that Jacob was now busy gulping down a large vat of porridge, his pack members whooping and cheering him on wildly as stray rivers of oatmeal escaped the sides of the bowl, dripping to the linoleum floor. Ugh.

"Two minutes!"

The two were eating even more furiously now; Edward with a heaping pile of hash browns, and Jacob busy with a monster omelette. It was amazing how much they resembled what they _were_ when they were eating with such intensity. Jacob looked like a rabid dog, quite literally foaming at the mouth, and Edward looked strikingly like a puma, crouched ferally over his pile of hash browns while feasting.

"Thirty seconds left!" Jasper announced over the guttural eating noises.

Finally, it seemed, Edward began to look strained. He shuddered violently before forcing himself to resume his less-than-satisfactory meal. Once there were only ten seconds left, he gave up, collapsing against a cabinet in defeat, while panting heavily.

"Nine! Eight!" Jasper counted down, "Seven!" Jacob shoved a last piece of omelette into his mouth, "Six! Five! Four! Three! Two! Aaaaand, ONE!" He whistled loudly.

Immediately, everyone gathered around their designated competitor, making sure they would be OK. They both seemed fine; Jacob full to bursting, but smugly triumphant, and Edward, completely at the end of his rope, but smiling gloatingly.

Suddenly, Edward began coughing. He lurched over and began retching horribly.

Emmett watched in sad silence, as the rest of the family backed up and the wolf pack looked over to see what the commotion was. He turned to me, as I watched my true love gag on the floor. "Do you know what actually happens? You know... when we eat..." He trailed off, but I understood.

I was stunned into silence, so I nodded fearfully. " Isn't there anything we can do?" I knew there wasn't, and that Edward would be OK, but I still hated seeing him an any kind of pain.

"Well…" Emmett began explaining to me the dynamics of what happens when a vampire gets indigestion, or, in other words, whenever they eat human food. "We can _physically_ eat it, it goes down fine and won't choke us or clog us up, or anything." He grinned, but it was short-lived. "But, since our digestive systems were so drastically altered in the 'change', they lost the ability to properly digest human food. And so," He eyed Edward warily as he thrashed about, retching loudly, "There is no other choice but to cough it up. Our poor Edward here will probably be in this state for the next... hour or so, due to the amount of food he ate." Emmett shuddered.

"I told him not to do it..." Alice took on her I'm-a-psychic-you-really-should-know-better-by-now-not-to-oppose-me sort of expression as she sadly assessed Edward attempting to regurgitate his meal.

The wolves were now eyeing Edward with looks ranging from pity, to disgust. The other, human students had wisely fled the premises once Edward's gagging had intensified. I closed my eyes when Edward made one big heave and spit out a lump of hash browns. Eeeew! However, I knew he needed me and so I stayed, bravely comforting him while also avoiding the growing piles of various breakfast; a little scrambled egg here... a little croissant there... all with gobs of venom being spit up as well. It was a very _messy_ business.

By the time it was 9:00 AM, we had successfully caused a pancake batter explosion in cooking hall 1, an unconcious camp counselor, an effective food tornado in cooking hall 2, and one vampire to regurgitate about three large meal's-worth of breakfast onto the floor at my feet.

A good time was had by all, if you ask me.

**There! Another chapter done. Hope it was worth the wait. I also have a new story out called 'It Was A Long Ten Years', so check it out! It's a story about how Jacob decides to move to a town called Mt. Washington, New Hampshire, in hopes of turning over a new leaf. He had been mourning over the loss and rejection of Bella for the past ten years, and has finally decided to put his foot down. Unfortunately, the world is smaller than he thought. Which family of vampires do you think he encounters, possibly destroying his bright plans for the future and even the Cullens' (now plus Bella, ooh...drama) lives. I may not update it as often as CullenAry, because I enjoy CullenAry so much more.**

**Review! Constructive criticism welcome.**

**Preview of next chapter:**

That was it. Jacob was going to pay.

Filled with new determination, I crept silently to Newton's bedside, and rummaged underneath his bed to find his toiletries bag. I searched quietly, picking precariously through deodorant sticks, toothpaste, and...condoms? I quickly dropped those with a shudder, and continued my foray.

And at last, I found my hypothetical Atlantis, holding it up in the moonlight to observe the information panel. Perfect. Jacob would never know what hit him. I cackled softly. AXE.

**Oh no! Not the dreaded AXE!**

**VeggieVamp**


	5. Newton and Black: Termination Attack

Disclaimer: I own nothing, it's all Stephenie Meyer's. I don't own Axe either.

**Hello, everyone. Thank you all for the reviews, they make me very happy! You guys are awesome! Anyways, here is the latest chapter, Newton and Black: Termination Attack. There's fluffiness and vendetta mixed endearingly into one! It's back to EdwardPOV.**

**A/N: Remember that vision Alice had in Chapter 3? Ya know, it was dark and Edward was on the porch and something attacked him? This chapter has something to do with that. Dun dun DUUUUN!**

Chapter Five: Newton and Black: Termination Attack

EPOV

Ugh. Finally, I was done, puking my guts out on the kitchen floor, and in front of Bella, no less! I was fairly embarrassed; and trust me, that doesn't happen often.

I groaned, spit out one, last piece of croissant, the bitter, resinous taste lingering in my mouth, and sat up exhaustedly, closing my eyes.

_I told you, Edward... Maybe next time, when I tell you not to do something, you won't ignore me and then end up throwing up a lifetime's worth of human food! _That was Alice. I felt bad about not listening to her, but mostly, I felt bad for myself. I hated feeling weak.

"Um, Edward? Is it... all... uh, you know. Out now?" Bella's beautiful voice pulled me slightly out of my self-pity. The heat from her face woke me up like a splash of ice-cold water. She was blushing at her comment, but I was sure that, if I had still been human, I would've been at least ten shades redder than her.

I cleared my throat, making sure my stomach was now _completely _empty, and nodded grimly.

"Yeah." I muttered softly.

Sighs of relief could be heard from my family, gathered around me. I opened my eyes slowly, seeing their concerned and relieved faces not a foot from mine. I straightened myself, and made to stand up. They all moved up as well, and Bella took my hand.

"I guess this means Black won then, huh?" I quipped, trying to lighten the mood. I received a few weak smiles and half-hearted nods. Jasper tilted his head back a little, and thought,

_Edward, you may want to go turn the phone off..._

His thought stream was interrupted, however, by the last sound I wanted to hear right now.

A snicker. But it sounded awkward. I turned to confront the offender, really in no mood at all for any of this... this _Tom Foolery_!

"What? What is it?" I huffed.

Jacob Black. Stood. Not. Three. Feet. From. Me. I hastily jumped back, and glared, out of embarrassment, if nothing else. "What do you want from me, Black? To mock me? To pity me? Well, yeah, do whatever you want, but I assure you, am in no mood for it."

"Yeah, and I would know." Jasper muttered darkly.

Jacob wrinkled his nose disdainfully, but shook his head, his greasy mop of black hair swinging from side to side. "No, actually. I just wanted to..." He paused seeming to struggle for words, but then managed to spit out, "To– to commend you perseverance. If I knew you were gonna..." He gestured jerkily to the pile of hacked up food, "I wouldn't have challenged you. I guess there was never any prize, so... moot point." And with that, he shrugged and turned away, following his comrades out the door.

I hadn't actually known what I had been expecting Black to say to me. Insults? No... But I definitely didn't expect him to say _that_. To commend me... was...creepy.

Oh well.

"Hey, Edward?" Bella shook my shoulder, and I realized I had been staring dumbly after Black.

I looked down at her apologetically. "Yes?"

She blushed again, and a bit of venom pooled in my mouth from her proximity, but I ignored it.

She asked me, "You know that day I sat with you at lunch? It was the day after I figured out your... secret identity." She rose an eyebrow and I smirked, remembering perfectly. "I do recall that particular day, why?"

"Well... youateabiteofpizzaandIwasjustwonderingwhenyouhadtocoughitup?"

"Huh?" I had only caught the words "you", "bite", "when", "you", and "cough". I'm sure you can understand why that confused me. _I bite when I cough? What?_

"You ate a bite of _pizza_," She emphasized the word, "And I was just wondering when you coughed it up. I'm curious."

"Oh." Now I remembered. I sighed inwardly. The things I did for Bella, especially back then. I had eaten a piece of pizza on nothing more than impulse! I mustn't have been thinking straight. Although, Bella does have that effect on me sometimes...

"Don't worry, Eddie's just embarrassed. He'd rather not share that particular memory with you." Emmett teased slyly. I was going to kill him! He was the only one other than Alice and I who had known about all the trouble that little bite of Hell had caused me... If he spilled, I was toast.

_I won't tell, Eddie, you have nothing to worry about... _His thoughts trailed off, blatantly leaving something to be desired. I suspected ulterior motives.

The rest of my family, excluding Alice, who already knew what was going to befall me and was trying very hard to contain her giggles, was staring at me with expressions of curiosity and expectancy on their faces. I knew I wasn't going to get out of this one, but I resisted it anyway.

"There is nothing and was nothing that might have sparked any sort of problematic experience by eating a simple bite of pizza." My tone was carefully immaculate and formal, dripping truthfulness. Unfortunately, Jasper saw right through my charade with his ability. He narrowed his eyes and said,

"Edward. If you aren't willing to give up the information, we may have to force it out of you." And he sent a wave of truthfulness at me to prove his point.

The truthfulness hit me full on, causing me to blurt out one of my most personal and unknown-to-my-family-including-Bella pieces of info. "I once crashed into a tree while running... I wasn't paying attention, and... and..." Jasper smirked and withdrew his truthful grip on me, allowing me to assess what I had admitted and done, without even really realizing it!

I smacked my hand over my mouth with a groan as snorts and chuckles burst out around me, their owners quickly attempting to stifle them. Bella's face was red from the effort she was putting into not laughing, and occasionally a squeak or an odd giggle would escape. I sighed.

"It's OK, guys. You don't need to kill yourselves. Just let it out, I suppose." I attempted to tell them in my most, if obviously fake, offhand tone.

And with that, my _wonderful_ siblings and _loving _fiancé fell to the ground in hysterics. I should learn to keep my mouth shut.

After about ten minutes of nonstop hilarity, they stopped and wore themselves out. Of laughing, at least. They weren't even near done with my humiliation.

"So, a tree, huh Eddie?" Emmett snickered. I scowled at him.

"Stop calling me that., _Emmie_." I growled, and he immediately sobered.

"I never knew our dear brother was so clumsy! Maybe Bella's wearing off on you, eh?" Rosalie grinned mockingly. Alice giggled.

"Shut it, Rosalie. This is not your place to be speaking. In fact, it's _none _of your places to be speaking!" I tried defending myself, but it wasn't enough.

Thankfully, the issue of the 'bite of pizza' was forgotten. That was all I really cared about at this point. I would never, ever tell anyone who didn't already know about what happened...

"Edward?" A quiet voice from beside me caught my attention. Bella was breathless and pale from laughing so much, but she was quite serious now.

"What?"

"You told me that running was second nature to you. I was afraid of crashing into trees that first day, but you told me it would never happen. Did you _lie_ to me, Edward _Anthony Masen _Cullen?! Did you?!" She got angry at the end and I flinched when she used the _full name _treatment. I'll admit, I was fairly scared at this point.

"Y– yes, Bella. I apologize, please forgive me." I mumbled in my meekest voice, sounding more like a mouse than I ever had in my entire life. If I had a tail, it would have been in between my legs right now. My family snickered quietly.

Her eyes narrowed dangerously, but I saw my pitiful stance was having an effect on her, awakening her merciful side. I decided to help her along. I widened my eyes a bit, innocently, you could say, and stared deeply into her soulful brown ones. I made it a point by carefully burning my eyes into hers, with an intensity that I knew would 'dazzle' her, as she put it.

'Dazzling' was my secret weapon, and it worked every time. Her heart rate spread up, and her face softened. I had her now, leaning in slowly, and pressing my lips to her warm ones. The kiss was subtle, but very passionate. Jasper turned up the lust and she threw her arms around me, twisting her fingers into my hair. I obliged, braiding my fingers into her hair and prolonging the moment.

"I forgive you , Edward." She whispered softly when we pulled away, her eyes glazed and her expression dazed. My charming abilities never cease to amaze me. I chuckled and pulled her closer to my chest, murmuring into her ear, "I would never allow a tree to cause you any harm, love. Especially when I'm running."

My family was smiling warmly, endearingly, at our embrace. I was so glad they understood Bella and I's love; even Rosalie had given up her determined objections.

_They are so cute! _That was Alice.

_Having a nice time, Edward? I bet you could reach down and... _Ugh. That was Emmett, and I quickly stifled his thoughts.

_You two are truly meant for each other. _Finally! The Great Rosalie relents!

_I'm feeling teary! Oh, wait. Never mind..._ Jasper always has to be the sentimental guy, huh?

"We'd better get back to our cabins, it's already 5:00." I finally said, after a few moments of staring at my beautiful angel. There were general sounds of agreement and reluctance, but everyone shuffled out the door and out into the steadily darkening sky.

I scooped Bella up into my arms for convenience, and started jogging. Even jogging, vampires go faster than the naked_ human _eye can track, and Bella quietly reminded me in a teasing tone, "Watch out for the trees, Edward."

I chortled, but kept a vigilant eye out for any oncoming trees.

Once at cabin A5, I set Bella down and slid my arm around her waist. She leaned into me as I escorted her to her ramshackle door, carefully supporting her so she wouldn't trip and fall flat on her face. Not that I would have let her, but...

"Well, bye." She sighed in a sad voice. I withdrew my arm from her, but lifted her chin to face me. "You don't know that," I winked, "I promise that tonight I _will_ come over. That is, if my extremely stubborn sisters will allow me to." I frowned. She laughed,

"I'll talk to them. Is that what you were talking about earlier?" She inquired. I nodded sheepishly. "I honestly did try last night, but I came too late and you were asleep. My sisters rather rudely excused me from the premises." I grinned, and leaned down for a quick goodbye peck before hopping down the rickety porch steps and waving goodbye, before speeding off towards my own cabin.

When I arrived at my own little hovel of a cabin, I found that both Newton and Black were already asleep. Probably exhausted by the excitement of the day. I found myself wishing that I, too, could fall asleep tonight. It was a vain wish.

Sighing despondently, I strode silently over to my own bed and plopped down on it, causing the bedsprings to bounce and creak loudly. I froze.

Black, slightly disturbed in his sleep from the noise, rolled over and muttered something in his temporary and slightly unreal lucidity. "Bella...all mine... bloodsucker ...doesn't ...deserve ...leech ...die ... kill... Bella... belongs... to_ meeeee_..." He snorted and then stopped talking, rolling over onto his side once again.

I suppressed a snarl. So that was what Jacob was dreaming about, was it? My Bella, and me dead? Well, whether he commended my eating skills or not, Jacob was going to pay.

That was it. Jacob was going to pay.

Filled with new determination, I jumped up and crept silently to Newton's bedside, rummaging underneath his bed to find his toiletries bag. I searched quietly, picking precariously through deodorant sticks, toothpaste, and...condoms? I quickly dropped those with a shudder, and continued my foray.

And at last, I found my hypothetical Atlantis, holding it up in the moonlight to observe the information panel. Perfect. Jacob would never know what hit him. I cackled softly. AXE.

Tomorrow, my revenge would be sweet, very sweet indeed. I pocketed the Axe.

Basking in the glory my plan would surely bring me, I decided to escape outside and rest on the porch, rather than wasting my time in here, clogging my nose up with dog odor. I swiftly and without making a sound, ghosted to the door.

The porch floorboards creaked beneath my weight as I made my way to the single chair perched on the grimy cabin porch. When I carefully sat down in it, it squeaked precariously, but seemed stable enough. I sighed contentedly.

Unfortunately, it was still a bit too early to visit Bella, and it would just seem weird if I came anyways on such short notice. I would have to be patient.

Suddenly, a dark shadow flickered past some pine trees not too far from where I was. Maybe about twenty feet away, into the forest. I blinked warily. The shadow was gone almost as soon as it appeared.

Rising cautiously, I sniffed the air for a scent, feeling eerily like someone, or _something_, was watching me. I scanned the trees carefully, suspiciously. I listened for thoughts as well.

Nothing. Hmm... Maybe it was just a wild animal. I supposed I could go catch it, but shrugged the idea off, as I had already hunted just two days ago. No need to get worked up. I let my guard down.

Big mistake.

Out of the corner of my eye, a large black shape detached itself from the shadows and beelined straight for me. It was going so fast, I didn't even have time to turn around and face it properly before being tackled roughly and completely knocked to the ground in shock.

"Hey, Eddie! Wassup?" A large, goofy, toothy grin filled most of my vision. I only stared in shock.

_Is he in shock? Uh oh... _"Hey, Jasper! Over here!" My big IMBECILE of a brother called softly, "I think we gave him a heart attack! It's a new record! First vampire to get a heart attack!" He chuckled. Fleetingly, I saw a grinning Jasper approach us, before my vision was completely smothered in red.

"EMMETT! YOU IDIOT!!!" I bellowed, jumping out of his grasp and tackling him recklessly. The sound we made when we impacted was like crashing boulders, only, I was too mad to care.

We tussled and brawled on the ground, Emmett laughing and me growling the whole time, when Jasper finally sent us waves of peace and tranquility to calm us down. I relented scathingly, shoving Emmett into a tree before finally quieting and irately sauntering back over to the porch and setting myself angrily into the chair. Jasper came to stand by me, probably to cool my emotions down if they got out of hand again.

Emmett laughed boisterously, the sound echoing loudly off the trees. Inside the cabin, I heard Newton's heart rate accelerate and he groaned groggily.

"Shut up, you half-wits, or you'll wake up Newton." I hissed in a whisper. Emmett stifled his laughter. "What are you two doing here, anyway?" I asked, irately curious as to why they would be here, molestering me at this hour.

Jasper cooly replied, "Can we not visit our dear brother after-hours?" However, his thoughts were a completely different story. _Edward, I need your help with the bet; when they took away my trumpet _He sniffed indignantly, _Emmett got the upper hand, and I know he's been plotting something, per se, the waves of apprehension coming off of him right now. Please help!_

Emmett thought to me, _Edward! I need your help with the bet! I know Jasper thinks that I've got the upper hand, but in reality, I've got nothing! My river of ideas has run dry! Help! _

I sighed. My brothers really were overly competitive nitwits sometimes."Look, both of you are thinking the same things to me, so why don't you work it out yourselves?" This surprised them.

"But– but..." Jasper stuttered, "I'm out of props! I'm worthless! You, Emmett, obviously have the upper hand!"

"No, that's not true." Emmett countered in a whisper, "I'm out of ideas, period! I can't think of _anything_!"

Before this simple argument could blow up intosomething more physical, I quickly intervened, "Why don't you two put a sock in it? This was a dumb, idiotic bet, and you should give up on it. Besides," I paused, a mischievous grin slowly spreading onto my face, a new idea striking me, "I have another, better opportunity for your pranking prowess."

Good, I had gotten their attention. They stared at me expectantly. "Ok," I began, my voice diminishing to a whisper, causing them to form a huddle around me. It was the epitome of a devious plot. "I've been planning a revenge attack on Black, and you two would be the perfect allies. Forget your bet, and help me destroy him. I suppose we could throw Newton into the mix, as well. Just for kicks." I smiled devilishly, awaiting their replies.

They stared for a moment, before twin grins exactly matching mine formed on their faces. If anyone saw us, we would probably resemble a trio of Cheshire cats.

"Alright! Let's do it! That bet _was_ pretty stupid, anyways." Emmett agreed with my plan whole-heartedly, slapping me on the back and smiling excitedly.

Jasper grinned, sending waves of approval and eagerness around us. "I'm in." He said simply.

"Ooh! Ooh!" Emmett thrust his hand into the air with a huge grin on his face. "We should name our mission something cool! How about..." His thoughts raced furiously, before piecing together a decent name. "Newton and Black: Termination Attack?! Eh? Eh?" I'll admit, it sounded nice. It even rhymed. I nodded, and Jasper said, "Sure. Sounds cool." Emmett grinned happily at his brilliant accomplishment.

"Perfect." I purred evilly, "We attack at dawn."

**(A/N: I thought about leaving you here, but I'm not that cruel.)**

After Jasper and Emmett had returned to their cabin, I decided it was late enough to visit Bella.

I ran silently through the dark trees towards A5, excitement building in me with each stride. Again, her wonderful, floral scent drew me in. I was powerless. This time, I found her window open.

Climbing in, I called softly, "Bella?" A light switch flicked on, revealing the scene before me.

Piles of Alice's designer clothing littered the cabin floor, thrown about and discarded indifferently. A huge, overflowing bag of cosmetics and hair products was plopped in a disordered fashion in the middle of the room, resembling a lonely island in a deadly sea.

"Help me!" Bella croaked, her eyes pleading with me and taking on a doe-like quality. She was on the floor, held down by Alice, while Rosalie carefully painted her toenails a blood-red color.

"What are you two doing?" I asked incredulously, "Get off her!" I made to 'swim' through the sea of clothing, but there was too much of it, and I just fell. A horde of magenta blouses and turquoise mini-skirts buried me like an avalanche. As if to prove its point, the waves of clothing sucked me down and kept me there, stuck and buried. My struggles were futile. "Alice! Rosalie! Get me the hell out of here!" I thrashed harder, pushing the clothes off of me. But for every item I moved away, there was always another to take it's place.

Rose and Alice giggled insanely, but Bella, my wonderful, sweet Bella, cried out, "No! Get him out of there! And let me go! Pleeeaaase! Have mercy!" I heard her trying to wiggle out of Alice's grasp, but Alice just tightened her hold and said in a lilting tone, "No way, this is way too much fun! Do I have a camera anywhere? Oh, wait, yes, I do." I heard her rummaging through a bag, and withdrawing a camera. "Hey Rose? Can you get Edward's head up above the clothes so I can get a good shot?"

"Sure thing, sis." The next thing I knew, Rosalie was pawing clothes off of my head so I could actually see what was going on. I gave her a thankful look, but she only grinned back devilishly.

"Say 'cheese', Edward!" Alice chirped happily.

I turned my head towards her in anger. Big mistake. My extra-sensitive eyes were blinded painfully by the flash of the camera, and I quickly shut them the dispel the stars swirling around my vision.

Once I could open my eyes again without getting dizzy, I saw the girls gathered around Alice's little digital camera of death. They were all laughing hysterically, and, in Bella's case, red-faced and teary with mirth.

"What's so funny? Come on, it can't be that bad." I half-heartedly tried blunting the embarrassment of the situation, but it did no good.

Alice picked up the camera and made her way towards me, still giggling. I was nervous. Did I really want to see what I looked like? Probably not. Too late. Alice held the camera to my face so I could see the little display screen.

Oh.

My.

Dear sweet God, NO!!!

My life was officially ruined in that moment. The picture showed me, or rather, my head, sticking out of a mound of clothing. My expression was murderously angry, and I was glaring blackly. However, the embarrassing part was, that the clasp of a red, lacy, and most likely very skimpy bra had somehow snagged itself onto the back of my hair without my knowing.

"Holy sh–" I exclaimed, before Alice stuffed a sock in my mouth.

"Language, Edward! Language!" She snickered before reaching around my head and unsnagging the caught piece of lingerie. She brought it slowly around and started waving it in front of my face. I cringed away instinctively, grimacing. I heard Rosalie and Bella laughing in the background.

Ugh. Perhaps one of the worst nights of my life. Finally, I supposed I'd had enough. Growling angrily, I managed to distangle myself from Mount Clothing and stumble out the door of cabin A5, the hysterical giggles of my sisters and Bella echoing mockingly behind me.

Dawn. The first appearance of light in the sky in the morning. The beginning of something. To come into existence.

There are many different definitions of the word 'dawn', but in my case, it means one word. REVENGE. I chuckled.

My brothers flanked me on my sides, grinning insanely, but silent as a whisper of wind.

We crept to the nearby body of water, Lake Paprika, to do some dirty work. Fortunately, Jasper had managed to seduce Alice into telling him what kinds of activities she saw we would be doing tomorrow, and what parts Newton and Black would be playing in those activities. First up would be: catch and cook your own breakfast. Yes, _fishing_. Charlie would be proud.

Phase One of Newton and Black Termination Attack: Rig fishing rods.

We scaled the shore, and snuck up to the storage shack, quietly picking the lock and creeping in. Dust covered everything, and it was hard to discern certain objects. However, we knew what we would be looking for.

Alice had said Black would get a long, green rod, and then choose some basic tackle shaped like clown fish. Weird.

She also told Jasper that Newton would choose a shorter, blue rod with some fancy bait, like feathers or something. Like I said, we knew what we were looking for. Nodding to my brothers, we spread out, carefully picking through the fishing poles and tackle.

After about five minutes of searching, Emmet called out quietly, "Found Newton's rod." Not too long after, Jasper whispered, "Here's Black's rod."

I nodded in approval, and we gathered in a silent huddle, Jasper and Emmett holding out the designated poles. My fingers made quick work of the reel, loosening a screw here, bending a wire there... and so forth. I did it so that no one would be able to tell anything was wrong with it just by looking at it. I did the same thing to Newton's. **(A/N: I have no idea what fishing rods are actually like, so if something's wrong, sorry.)**

And now for the bait. I grabbed the large tackle box and unclasped it, revealing the chaos of bait within. Jasper and Emmett left to replace the now-rigged poles to where they were first found.

I rummaged for a bit, before finally finding the clown fish bait and the feathery tackle. I crushed the claspy-thingies (A/N: You know? The 'clasps' that attach the bait to the end of the fishing line. If you can fish, please update on these things.) with my fingers so they would come off easily when a fish bit the line. Perfect. I placed the tackle back in and set the box back on its shelf. Jasper and Emmett were ready to go by now.

And we escaped into the night, locking the door behind us.

**Yess! Another chapter done! I hope you liked it and it made you laugh at one point or another.** **Wondering what happened with Edward and the bite of pizza? Maybe when I'm done with this story, I'll do a little add-on fic for your (and my) enjoyment.**

**Don't worry, the AXE will come into the picture soon enough.**

**Review! It'll make me happier than Jazz can on a rainy day!**


	6. Newton and Black: Termination Attack 2

Disclaimer: I own nothing, Stephenie Meyer does. I don't own Axe either.

**Sorry for the loooong update wait, people! Anyways, thank you all so much for the reviews, they really mean a lot to me! This new chapter, Newton and Black: Termination Attack Part 2, continues the quest for vendetta Edward has begun to pursue. I hope you like! It'll mostly be in Edward, Jacob, and Mike's POV.**

**It will, like the second chapter, have two parts; Part One: Newton's Demise, and Part Two: Back in Black. Enjoy!**

Chapter Six: Newton and Black Termination Attack 2, Part One: Newton's Demise

**JacobPOV (Not what you expected, eh?)**

Ugh. When I woke up this morning, my nostrils were burning, and my eyes were watering from the amount of leech-stink clouding up the room. I saw Cullen meandering around his corner of the room, grinning insanely and glancing at me every once and a while.

_What in the world is he trying to pull? _I thought when he flicked another glance my way. He chuckled. _Damn mind-reading parasite_. He chuckled again. I huffed and hopped out of bed, landing with a thud on the cold cabin floor.

The Newton kid was snoring faintly, a pool of drool gathering on the edge of his pillow. Gross. Walking as quietly as I could past him, I made for the front door, but instead I crashed into the leech, flinching back from Cullen's cold touch and hideous, icy smell.

"What do you want, leech? I'm trying to go get breakfast." I snarled, glaring. I really was never in a very good mood at this hour in the morning.

He smirked, and his eyes took on a peculiar twinkle. "Nothing, nothing. Have a good time, mutt. I'll warn you in advance, it's catch and cook your own breakfast, today. Happy fishing." And he disappeared out the door. Good riddance.

Catch and cook your own breakfast? Fishing? I liked fish as much as the next guy, but I never really had a passion for fishing, like Charlie and Billy. Oh well. I was hungry.

I headed out the door in good spirits, whistling a favorite tune.

**MikePOV (Ugh, gross.)**

When I woke up this morning, I was alone. No Cullen, no Jacob. It was kind of nice.

Sitting up, I wiped the lines of drool of off my cheek and flipped my pillow over so the drool stain on that wouldn't show. Mom always said she ought to get a Ziploc bag to attach to my face so I wouldn't flood the house at night. I had casually refused her in a very manly and grown up fashion.

_Flashback_

_I woke up on a regular Saturday, sunlight streaming brightly through the blinds. I yawned and stretched, squeezing my eyes shut sleepily._

"_Michael Elliot (A/N: Sorry!)Newton! I ought to flay you alive, you silly boy! You've ruined the carpets!"__My mother's voice startled me, and I fell out of the bed onto the floor, which was cold and...wet?_

"_Huh?" I muttered, carefully sitting up and wiping the mystery substance off my PJ pants. My mother was standing above me, looking down at me with an upset expression._

"_Like you don't know!" My mother wailed, wringing her hands aggrivatedly, tears gathering at the corners of her eyes, "You drooled all over your bedroom floor! I ought to get you a Ziploc bag so you don't flood the house at night!" She gestured disgustedly at the puddle of what I now realized to be my own drool. I hastily got up and moved away from the drool pool._

_Shifting nervously and looking down at my now drool-soaked socks, I mumbled pleadingly, "No mommy, I don't want a bag. Please forgive me mommy."_

_She huffed and stalked off._

_End Flashback_

Anyways, I supposed I should be getting to breakfast. Sitting up in bed and throwing the covers off, I quickly gathered some clothes and started rummaging through my toiletries bag for my Axe. That stuff attracts chicks to me like a bear to honey. I had a prime target lately; Bella Swan. Oh yeah!

Strangely enough, I couldn't find any of it... weird. I thought I had packed a can... oh well. My natural odor is just as enticing!

After getting dressed, I ran out the door full tilt, ready for another day, another chance at Bella.

**EdwardPOV (Yes!)**

I was in an exceptionally good mood today. Hah! Black had been clueless this morning, and Newton had been... drooling. Sickening, really. I'm glad Bella talks, not only does it allow me a peek into her mysterious mind; it doesn't involve dripping saliva out of your mouth all night!

"Oh Edwaaaaaaard!" Alice called, skipping towards me, snapping me out of my reverie, "Time to go fishing." She winked, giggling. Alice, of course, had seen our plans and approved completely. However, she wouldn't tell me the outcome of our mission. We would have to wait and see.

Jasper appeared with Emmett not too far behind. They both were grinning in apprehension and excitement, their thoughts running wild with possibilities.

"Why is everyone smiling so much?" Bella walked towards us, followed by Rosalie. Rose thought to me, _I'd like to know that too... Emmett has been acting strangely since last night... _She glared me straight in the eye, and discreetly showed the corner of a picture sticking out of her hoodie pocket. It was the one from last night. Of me. In a pile of clothes. With a... thing on my head. There was _no_way I was going to let Rosalie reveal _that_. I grimaced, and mouthed, 'You'll see." She nodded, satisfied for the time being.

Bella stepped next to me, and I wrapped my arm around her waist, kissing the top of her head. In a soft whisper, I asked her, "What did Alice and Rosalie do with the picture?"

She blushed, looking down at her feet, but muttered, "Last night, after you left, Alice made about fifty copies and ran out of camp to Seattle to mail them." She looked me in the eyes pleadingly. "Now, the Volturi, Tanya's coven, and a few other acquaintances of yours are hanging your picture over their mantlepieces. Alice sent the rest to your house, so Carlisle and Esme can get a laugh." She let out a half-hearted giggle, but watched my face carefully for my reaction. Her heart-rate sped up when she didn't get one.

I stood, staring dumbly at her with my mouth slightly open in shock. The. Pictures. Are. With. Tanya. TANYA. T-A-N-Y-A. Oh God, oh God, NO. Tanya would flip when she got the photos; she had a huge crush on me, especially since I was the only male to resist her since she became a vampire. Did I mention she's a succubus? A demon seductress? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?! A succubus has gotten a hold of a picture of ME, buried in women's clothing and a fricking red bra attached to my head! Dammit! Not to mention the Volturi, ugh! Aro would be laughing for the rest of his eternity. And mine.

A hand slapping my face suddenly woke me up. "Edward? Edward? Wakey wakey! It's time to go fishing!" Alice was bent over my collapsed figure, poking my face. I blinked. Huh?

"I'm sorry, Edward." Bella apologized sheepishly. "I shouldn't have told you that."

"Yes, you should have." I suddenly murmured out without thinking. She looked surprised. "Yes, you should have, my dear Bella,"I grinned madly, "so that I could... STRANGLE MY MIDGET OF A SISTER'S NECK!!!" I roared, leaping at Alice, who pouted at me innocently before sidestepping my attack and jumping over to Jasper, who stood protectively over her and sent me waves of calm. Grudgingly, I relented, a slight pout on my face. (A/N: Can you imagine Edward pouting? Aww...)

"I didn't know vampires could faint." Bella quickly came over to me and started distracting me with inconsequentials so I wouldn't go sociopath and start murdering people. I love my Bella.

"Well, they can't. I guess I just kind of... zoned out. I was fairly distressed and disturbed, you see." I explained as best I could, shrugging.

"Okay." She shrugged, smiling, "I suppose I can see why you're upset Tanya got a photo of you like that. Isn't she that strawberry blonde you told me about? The one who... _tried_ to..." She trailed off. I nodded silently. She shuddered, and I patted her back.

"Off to the Lake we go! Come on, slowpokes!" Emmett was impatiently tapping his foot on a fallen log, causing it to splinter and break. Rosalie swiftly placed her hand on his shoulder in warning. He looked down, realized he was massacring the poor piece of wood, and immediately stilled his foot.

My good spirits were back and a grin broke out over my face. I winked at Jasper and Emmett, who chuckled and started off to Lake Paprika. Alice laughed, tagging after Jasper, and Rosalie glared at me questioningly before going off to badger Emmett as to what was going on.

"And then there were two..." Bella laughed. "Come on Edward, I'm hungry for fish. Not that I don't get a lot of it at home, because of Charlie, but... a girl's gotta eat." I laughed, taking her hand and leading her down the twisted path towards Lake Paprika.

**JakePOV**

_Hmm... what to choose, what to choose? _

I scanned the dusty shelves of fishing rods, looking for one big enough for me. That woman, Ms. Yapp, had instructed me to go get myself a rod, and start fishing. Most of the other kids had already started, but I could tell by the way they tangled, tripped, and snapped their fishing lines, that they had never fished before. For once, I was thankful Billy had dragged me along on all those fishing trips, back in the day.

Suddenly, a nice long, green rod caught my eye. It didn't look as dusty as the others; almost as if it had been removed from its spot not too long ago. Oh well. It looked like it was in good shape, so I grabbed it off the wrack and started digging through a large tackle box for some bait. Without thinking about it, I snatched up a little clown fish-shaped piece of bait, and attached it to the end of my line.

Smiling for one of the first times since I got here, I slung the pole over my shoulder and swiftly exited the storage shack, pushing past Newton on the way out.

**MikePOV**

I slid past that Jacob kid, who was leaving the storage shack with a long green pole slung over his shoulder, and felt my way towards the rods through the semi-darkness. When I found them, I started sorting through them, coughing every so often due to the clouds of dust flying up from the mess I was making. One, particularly violent coughing fit caused me to knock the line of rods over into a heap on the ground.

"Ow! Crap!" I half-shouted when one landed painfully on my left foot. Eye's watering, I swiftly bent to pick it up, making a split-second decision to just take it and get out of the dusty shack.

By the time I had escaped the dusty hut, panting and coughing, I realized I needed to go get some bait. Taking a deep breath of fresh air, I ran back in, eager to get out as soon as possible.

I flung myself at the large tackle box in the corner, kicking up another cloud of dust. I hacked erratically as I dug into the tackle box, searching for a sufficient piece of bait. A feathery shaped one caught my eyes, and I snagged it, running for the front door without even bothering to close the lid of the box in my haste.

Still clutching my fishing rod and bait, I crashed into none other than Cullen himself, his arm wrapped infuriatingly around Bella's waist. I glared, thinking hatefully, _Stupid Cullen! Always getting the girls! I hope you choke on all the dust in there, freak! _He chuckled, pushing past me in amusement. Geez, sometimes I think that guy can read minds!

**EPOV**

_Stupid Cullen! Always getting the girls! I hope you choke on all the dust in there, freak!_ I chuckled, much to Newton's annoyance. Idiot boy. I was, however, ecstatic to see he had chosen the exact same rod and tackle from Alice's vision. Pushing past him and all his idioticness, I pulled Bella into the dark fishing storage shack. She coughed slightly, covering her nose and mouth. I held my breath, ignoring the discomfort of lacking a sense of smell.

So we could escape the dusty shack quickly, I let go of Bella's hand and ran at vampire speed over to the fishing rod rack. I found it in chaos; rods strewn haphazardly on the ground in complete disarray. Newton made a mess of things, as always. Sighing, I selected an ironically blood-red pole for myself, and a deep blue one for Bella. If blue shirts looked good on her, think about a blue fishing rod! Creeping over to the tackle box, I sifted through it, and picked out a few simple pieces of bait.

When I returned to Bella, her eye's were watering from all the dusty particles in the air, and she gestured pleadingly to the door. I nodded and swept her up with the fishing poles bridal-style, causing her to gasp. I was out the door in the blink of an eye. She coughed for a second and then seemed to be better.

"Eager, are we?" She smirked as I carried her towards the lake shore, where numerous others were attempting to cast their lines. And failing miserably.

I carried Bella past a blonde girl who had somehow tangled her fishing line into her French braid, and set her down near my family.

"Hey, Bella!" Emmett smiled, showing all his teeth, while winding up his line, a huge orange rod; probably the biggest they had, was clutched in his fingers. She smiled and waved.

"Bella, does this rod make me look fat?" Rosalie anxiously bombarded Bella with the most ridiculous of questions, holding out a slim pink rod. I sighed inwardly.

"Rosalie, you could wear_ garbage_ and look fantastic! A fishing rod is no different!" Bella admonished Rosalie sternly. Rosalie smiled brilliantly and hugged Bella. It was strange, seeing my vain, shallow sister feel so insecure about her looks. Jeesh, when there are about fifty human males ogling you 24/7, that ought to tell you _something_!

"Look!" Jasper hissed excitedly, tugging Alice's hand and pointing over to the opposite bank, "Newton's going for the kill!" He snickered and rolled his eyes.

Instantly, my whole family had their eyes locked on Newton, who gripped the rod he held tightly, an expression of extreme concentration etched on his face. He looked like he was having constipation, or something. I laughed inwardly.

**MPOV**

This was it! I wound up my line and approached the shore, a cold sweat breaking out on my forehead. The entire Cullen family was lounging around on the opposite bank. Bella was there too! I felt giddily nervous.

Suddenly, the blonde one, Jerry, I think it is, pointed at me and snickered, causing the entire family to whip their heads around and stare at me. I felt almost scared. _But no! This was my chance to prove myself! To win Bella for myself! She was watching me, after all. When we finally hooked up and– _My stream of thoughts was suddenly interrupted when a pebble smacked into the side of my head. "Ow!" I shrieked, looking around wildly for the culprit. All I _did_ notice was Edward Cullen, whistling a serene tune and turning his back to me innocently. Too innocently.

I growled. It sounded more like a bleating sheep, but I didn't care. I was seeing red! Furiously, I brought my rod back over my shoulder, preparing to cast my line out impressively. I narrowed my eyes as the Cullens froze, and seemed to lean forward in their seats like expecting some sort of climatic occurrence to happen.

"Hah!" I snorted, and cast my line out with all the force I could muster.

I hear a tearing noise from behind me, and suddenly my legs felt cold. I looked down in surprise, dropping my fishing pole. I hadn't even noticed that it broke apart once it made contact to the ground.

Holy crap. I gasped audibly.

My sports shorts had been _ripped_from my legs; the fishing hook having been caught on the fabric. Everything from my waist down was exposed, including my favorite puppy-patterned tighty-whities. "NOOO!" I screamed, attempting to cover them up with my arms and hands.

I looked up in a panic, ignoring the snorts and giggles coming from most of the campers. Unfortunately, it was not so easy to ignore the howls and screams of utter hilarity coming from the Cullen's shore. Even Bella was hunched over, using Cullen for support, as she laughed uncontrollably.

I blushed furiously, scanning my eyes around for my shorts. I finally found them, but not in a place I would want them to be.

Floating miserably on the middle of the lake's surface, a fishing hook and a piece of feathery tackle attached, were my shorts. Suddenly, a large pike jumped powerfully out of the water and swallowed them, bait and all, in one gulp. I felt a tear run down my cheek. Then two, then more.

Sobbing, I covered my face, and ran. Ran as fast and as far as I could in the general direction of the busses. I didn't care my about my underwear. I just had to get out of here. NOW.

The last thing I heard as I rounded the corner was the echoes of Cullen's laughter, mocking and jeering me to the very edge of my very soul.

**JPOV**

I had just returned from a pit stop at the bathroom, only to see a pants-less Newton crying his eyes out like there was no tomorrow and running full tilt towards the busses. Wimp.

I also noticed the entire camper body and Ms.Yapp was doubled over in hilarity, tears of laughter streaming down their faces. Well, excluding the Cullens, who were physically unable to cry. Sam and the rest of my pack were leaning against trees and screaming with laughter. I saw that Embry had managed to fall into the lake, still laughing incessantly.

The big guy, Emmett or something, was laughing so hard and so loud, I swear the ground was shaking and birds were flying off in fright.

The little one, Alice, was giggling like an insane psychopath, appearing to be having a seizure or something, due to the fact she was vibrating like a massage chair.

The blonde dude, Jasper, I think, was kind of fueling everyone else's mirth with that freaky power of his. He was in a fetal position, fighting to gain control of himself while laughing like a maniac. I couldn't help but let loose a few chuckles myself.

The blonde girl, Rosalie, who was, despite myself, very pretty, was cackling like a loon. She was lying down on the ground, her fist pounding the dirt with such strength, it was forming a rather large pothole.

And then, Cullen himself, was roaring with such hysterical bouts of laughter he was clutching his stomach and gasping every few minutes in a futile attempt to calm himself.

Bella was red-faced and positively teary. She was breathless and appeared to be choking on her own laughs , needing to support herself on Cullen. After a few minutes of choke-laughing, she collapsed in a heap, passing out.

Instantly, Cullen stopped laughing and bent over her, a panicked expression taking over his features. After making sure she would be fine, he sighed in relief, chuckling a few times.

I chose this moment to make my appearance. Swiftly, I strode over, carefully bypassing the laughing campers, and stood over Cullen's hunched figure.

"Mind telling me what the hell is goin' on here, leech?"

He stopped chuckling, and looked up, glaring. I could still see the amusement in his eyes, though. "Newton got a little taste of what I think he deserves."

I rose my eyebrow, but he only shrugged.

"OH MY GOD!!!" Screamed the big, Emmett guy, startling me,"THAT WAS FRICKIN' HILARIOUS!!!"

The blonde dude chortled, "He certainly got what he deserved. Good job guys!" He leaned over and gave Emmett and Cullen big high fives, and then the three of them started laughing again.

I sighed, knowing that I probably wasn't going to get any answers today, and made my way back to my pack members, shaking my head.

**Part Two: Back in Black**

**EPOV (The next day, at about 6:00 pm)**

Yesterday, after our laughing attacks and Bella's fainting spell, I made special care not to mention _any_ of the events that happened yesterday, or else everyone in earshot would start howling again. Namely my family.

It turns out, Newton withdrew his enrollment from the camp and is currently enlisting in therapy for his many needs and issues. Good riddance.

Unfortunately, our 'Newton and Black: Termination Attack' didn't work out quite as well as we'd hoped. We only managed to 'terminate' Newton, while Black remained unharmed. For now. I had formulated a new plan for his demise.

Phase two of Newton and Black Termination Attack: Spike Black's spaghetti sauce with AXE.

Yes, we were going to be making spaghetti later today. And surprisingly, I couldn't wait. Even the many, choking aromas of basil and oregano, the bitter smell of tomatoes, and the floury, rubbery scent of noodles would not be enough to repel me from the kitchens tonight.

I deviously fingered the can of Axe in my jeans pocket, a grin breaking out over my face.

Revenge was indeed very sweet.

**AlicePOV (Surprise, surprise!)**

Rose, Bella, and I were just getting ready to depart from our cabin to go exploring, when the most peculiar of visions hit me. I felt the world around me slipping away, as the darkness surrounded me.

_Edward leaned casually against a counter._

_Jacob Black was too busy pureeing tomatoes and herbs together in a food processor to notice him._

_Suddenly, Jacob leaned over to consult his cookbook and swore loudly, apparently having forgotten the garlic._ I laughed at the irony. _He swept out of the room to go find some, and Edward made his move._

_He strode forward in two steps, took out a can of Axe, the hateful stuff, and emptied it into Jacob's tomato concoction in one swift movement. He grinned like a maniac._

The vision ended, and I felt myself being tugged back into the real world. A grin broke out over my face, and I laughed jovially. So this was Edward had planned for Black! I couldn't wait, especially since I had already seen it happen!

"What did you see?" Rosalie tapped my shoulder and rose her eyebrow. "Funny enough to be worth showing us?" She asked suggestively, crossing her arms. Bella looked up from her clothes-folding, eying me curiously.

I sighed, but grinned like a Cheshire cat. "Nope, sorry guys." I smiled apologetically. "It'll be funnier if it's a surprise. Don't worry, you'll see." I winked.

Bella's heart rate sped up. "Is it about that dumb 'Newton and Black: Termination Attack' scheme I heard Jasper and Emmett chatting about? If it is, Edward is going to pay. These people are my friends!" She pouted angrily, but I could clearly see the humor dancing in her eyes.

Slyly, I inquired, "Then who was the brunette I saw yesterday, laughing so hard she eventually fainted, while her 'friend' had his pants ripped off in a humiliating and extremely hilarious event that just happened to be the doings of this so called 'dumb scheme'?" I knew I had her, because she blushed crimson and chuckled against her better will.

"C'mon, let's get to the stupid kitchen hall. I heard we'll be making_spaghetti_tonight." Rosalie made a face and scrunched up her nose, but Bella's face lit up.

"Finally! Something besides breakfast and FISH! I get enough of that at home." She grinned sheepishly.

I laughed, "Don't worry guys. We most definitely _will_ be having spaghetti tonight."

**JPOV (about 6:00 pm)**

Sam set off towards the kitchen hall, with us in tow.

"Come on guys, Emily will be so proud when we come home!" He exclaimed.

We all just glared and muttered things like, "She's the one who got us into this mess in the first place..." He glared right back, and before we knew it, we were in the brightly lit, stuffy kitchen hall.

"Up and over, privates!" Ms. Yapp barked at us. If she were of Quileute heritage, she would have made one, hell of a werewolf. "Off to the east cooking wing! You'll be making spaghetti!" She pointed at a long hallway, at the end of which I could see a bunch of kids chopping up tomatoes and fumbling with uncooked noodles. I sighed. This was going to be a long night.

"You heard her, guys. Come on." Sam started towards the hall, and after a moment of watching him, my pack members and I reluctantly followed.

We each stood at a designated place at the immaculate counter tops, covered in a large array of Italian herbs, fresh tomatoes, and uncooked noodles. There were also stacks of pots and pans, along with strainers, tongs, and a variety of other cooking utensils. I carefully picked up a metal strainer, fingering it carefully, before setting it down and looking around the room to observe what everyone else was doing.

A few boys were gathered around a pot on a stove. It was boiling, and the frothy bubbles were starting to overflow. They eyed is like a bunch of frightened rabbits, unsure of what to do, and thoroughly terrified of the situation anyways. The pot overflowed, and they ran screaming out of the room.

Most of everyone else was just meandering around, chopping tomatoes of mixing up herbs in sauce. Figures.

I turned back to my pot, sighed, and filled it with two cups of water and started it to oil. I began chopping tomatoes up on a nearby cutting board. It was hard work. I had to make each slice at least moderately even, nothing too chunky and nothing paper thin. Once I had satisfactorily chopped up all of my tomatoes, I measured out the correct measurements of oregano, basil, and all that crap.

When I was done, I dropped the pieces of tomato in a food processor and pressed 'liquify'.

And I waited. And waited. And waited. Until I was so bored, I decided to look over at the open cookbook, just to make sure I was doing things right. You know? Reassurance.

Strangely enough, I almost thought I felt a presence of someone else; someone watching me. I could smell the faint reek of bloodsucker, but really took no notice of it.

Flipping through the pages of Italian recipes, through calzones and alfredo cuisines, I finally found the recipe I was looking for. **(A/N: This is a completely fictional recipe! I made it up entirely, so don't go out and try making it, unless you want your stove to explode.)**

_**Traditional Italian Spaghetti**_

_A__classic dish prepared and served in many a kitchen across Italy. Simple and delicious, this dish has remained a favorite of families across the world._

_Ingredients for a Yield of Two Servings:_

_Five large, ripe, red tomatoes_

_Three tablespoons of oregano_

_Five tablespoons of basil_

_Five cups of water_

_Two boxes of uncooked spaghetti noodles_

_A clove of garlic_

_1. Boil two cups of water in a large pot. While waiting for the water to boil, chop up the five large, ripe, red tomatoes and set aside._

_2.Measure out herbs. Mince clove of garlic. Place herbs, garlic and tomatoes in food processor and liquify._

_3.When water reaches boiling point, add noodles and reduce heat to a simmer. Cover and let cook for 45 minutes._

_4. Pour tomato mixture into separate pot and turn to medium heat. Add remaining cups of water. Cook for 25 minutes, stirring occasionally._

_5. Enjoy!_

I snorted. But then a certain phrase caught my eye... _A clove of garlic_... Oh no! I forgot the garlic! I almost laughed at the irony of the situation, a coven of vampires and garlic... but I didn't.

"Shit!" I exclaimed loudly, attracting quite a few looks, ranging from angry disapproval to simple curiosity. I cast my eyes around wildly, searching for some garlic. The empty containers stared back at me.

"Stupid garlic..." I muttered angrily as I departed the room to go search for some of the godforsaken stuff.

**EPOV**

I snickered, and stepped out of the shadows, shrugging off the counter top I'd been leaning on.

I slipped the can of Axe out of my jeans pocket and swiftly strode over to Black's food processor, carefully taking the lid off.

I emptied the can of Axe into his yucky tomatoey... stuff, grinning like a maniac, and quickly replaced the lid, glancing around warily before escaping back behind a tall shelf of fresh produce. It smelled vile, but I didn't mind, as long as I got to see the expression of Black's face.

I cut off my breath in excitement, as Black strode back into the room with a triumphant expression and a clove of garlic clutched in his hand. I chuckled inwardly at the irony.

He narrowed his eyes suspiciously, though, and sniffed the air warily. I froze. _Oh no! My cover is blown! _I thought frantically, as he glanced around mistrustfully, his head swirling with thoughts like, _I smell leech... _and_This had better not be what it looks like..._

I breathed a silent sigh of relief, as he shrugged to himself and went back to preparing his 'spaghetti'.

Watching Black cook was extremely boring. It wasn't that I thought that cooking _itself_ was boring; I loved watching Bella cook, and I myself had preformed the art of it myself, on a few, special occasions...

But watching my arch-nemesis stir up concoctions and boil water was definitely not one of my favorite activities. I would have yawned; if I were able to get sleepy, that is.

Suddenly, Jacob was done straining his noodles in a sink, and was officially ready to taste-test his creations. I grinned evilly, leaning forward slightly as he tipped a spoon filled with the tainted spaghetti sauce to his lips...

**HAHAHA!!! A cliffie! I hope you won't hate me, but this chapter was getting so long!**

**Review! I'll make me feel so good, Jazzy here'll have a happy-spasm!****(If you get my drift.)**

**Thanks, VV**


	7. Odds and Ends

Disclaimer: I own none of the recognizable characters of Twilight.

**Hello, everyone! Hope you've had a good week so far! And thanks for the reviews; they were very uplifting.** **Over 1600 hits! Yippee! JAZZY HAD A SPAZZY!!!!! Here's the latest installment of The CullenAry Arts: Chapter 7: Odds and Ends.** **It's the conclusion to the Newton and Black: Termination Attack chronicles, but NOT the end of the story!**

**Oh, yes. The poll on my profile is complete: Alice's Yellow Porche 911 Turbo is officially the favorite Cullen car! Edward's Silver Volvo is close second.**

Chapter 7: Odds and Ends

BellaPOV

Edward had just left the room, and I didn't know why. When I asked Alice, she just giggled and said ominously, "You'll see. It's got something to do with Jacob, though."

I rose my eyebrow, but said nothing.

And, the moment I was done cooking my spaghetti noddles, I heard a scream.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" It was high pitched and very loud, quite literally echoing off the kitchen walls. Everyone turned and looked curiously towards the source of the noise.

"OH GOD HELP ME!!!" It was Jacob. My eyes widened in shock as I watched my friend collapse on the floor and scream. Whoa.

Edward was there as well. Unfortunately, he was laughing like a maniac, and didn't watch what he was doing as he hunched over in laughter. He knocked into a nearby produce shelf and sent it toppling over, causing a chain-reaction. The whole line of shelves tumbled over like giant dominoes. The crashes echoed along with Jacob's shrieks.

He was clutching his stomach and wiping his tongue on his arm, apparently trying to get rid of some sort of bad taste. _Is he really that bad of a cook? _I thought helplessly as he thrashed on the floor.

Edward wasn't doing much better. He tripped on a fallen food processor and was sent sprawling onto the ground, laughing like there was no tomorrow. It was probably going to be the first, and last, time I was ever going to see a _vampire_ trip.

"What in God's name is going on here?!" Ms. Yapp tramped into the room with an angry expression and clenched fists.

Jasper leaped up and saluted, like the good little soldier he once was, and informed her, "Edward spiked Jacob's spaghetti sauce, sir, and Jacob isn't reacting very well after the taste-test." He nodded once in a solemn manner, and went to stand by Alice, who was silently giggling. I gasped. My _Edward_ just spiked someone's _food_! I never thought I'd see the day!

Ms. Yapp quite literally snarled, and spun on her heels to face the laughing Edward.

"You! You think this is funny, private? Do ya? A comrade in pain?"

Edward managed to stifle his laughs with some difficulty, and forcefully composed his face. Unfortunately, you could still see the hilarity and triumph tugging at his face. "No, miss. However, I disagree with you on one thing." He paused, his eyes twinkling despite himself. "I do not consider myself 'comrades' with Jacob Black, and never will." And with that, my usually loving and extremely aloof and solemn fiancé fell to the ground in hysterics. Jacob was still cringing against the linoleum floor, his face starting to take on a greenish hue that clashed horribly with his russet skin.

Ms. Yapp practically burst into flame, she was so mad. I guess she really is army-oriented.

"You! Cullen! If you think it's so funny, private, then why don't YOU take a taste!" She growled.

Edward froze, and his laughter stopped short. His eyes widened and he jumped up from the floor, terrified. "Please, miss! I apologize! Have mercy!" He was probably reminiscing about the _other_ experience he had from eating human food. I grimaced.

Ms. Yapp shook her head. "No, private. If I don't give you some form of punishment, the school-board will be after me." She paused, thinking. "And, according to you and your family's admission forms, the reason you came here was to relieve yourselves of eating disorders. EAT UP!" She grabbed a ladle and scooped up some of Jacob's Axeified spaghetti sauce, shoving it under Edward's nose.

"Argh!" He cringed away, probably cutting off his breathing. The rest of his family snickered.

Ms. Yapp turned towards us. "You think it's funny too? Well then, why don't you taste summa it too?"

The Cullens gaped, and I blushed, of course. Jacob, despite his condition, could be heard laughing breathlessly.

Jasper saluted, unfortunately, and said in a sad voice, "Sir, yes, sir!" And with that he jumped forward and scooped up a handful of the sauce in is pale hand and started lapping it up, saying things like, "Urgh!" and "Bleh!"

Alice watched her husband in horror. "Jazz! Why in the world are you doing that?!"

Jasper grimaced and spit out, "Because my corporal told me to!"

Alice frowned, but sighed, and turned to us. "Sorry guys, we'll be doing this no matter what we do, so better to get it over with." And she leaped next to Jasper and started licking splotches of spaghetti sauce off the ground with her tongue and making faces.

I shrugged. "Well, let's find out what Axe and spaghetti sauce together tastes like!" I slowly stepped over a thrashing Jacob and around a feasting Jasper and Alice, and took a spoon covered in the stuff and licked it experimentally.

With a shudder, the last thing I was aware of was Emmett and Rosalie leaning over me and talking in panicked voices.

And then everything went black.

**EmmettPOV (Tee Hee)**

The reports were not good.

My sister and her husband were reduced to animals, licking the kitchen floor and making the funniest of faces.

My brother was laughing like a crazed lunatic, while backing away from a very angry Ms. Yapp who was brandishing a sauce-covered spoon at his face.

One of the mutts was collapsed on the floor, rapidly turning a puce-green color.

My wife and I were leaning over my brother's fiancé, who had just fainted from tasting the Axe-tainted sauce.

"What should we do?" Rose asked in a panicked voice, wringing her hands so fast they resembled humming birds' wings.

I shrugged my muscled shoulders. "I dunno, Rose."

And so, here we stood, a couple of vampires, among the masses of staring students, crazed siblings, an unconscious Bella, an angry camp counselor, and a bunch of freaked out werewolves.

How wonderful. If only I'd had a camera. OH, wait! Alice does! I grinned happily and ran over to Alice's dropped Prada purse.

"What are you doing?" Rose appeared behind me and leaned over my shoulder as I dug through the tiny pink purse that was about the size of my entire hand.

At last, I found the camera. "Stand back, Rose. This is gonna be good." She quickly obliged, snickering.

_Click. FLASH!!!_ Went the camera.

"OH MY GOD!" Went everyone else, except Bella, who was still out cold.

Edward, who I knew already suffered enough humiliation by camera, snarled and leaped past Ms. Yapp towards me, hands outstretched towards the camera. The scene seemed to go in slow motion; me backing away from him and dodging his attack, as he flew past me in shock and (go back to fast-motion) crashed into a pile of rotten tomatoes. "EMMETT!!!" He screamed while I snickered.

Thinking fast, I shouted, "Here Rose! Catch!" And threw the little silver camera at Rose, who caught it expertly and ran out the door giggling.

"EMMETT!" Jasper and Alice shrieked, completely oblivious to their red-stained mouths, staring wildly after Rosalie as if contemplating whether or not to go chase after her.

"What?" I asked innocently. I attracted all sorts of strange looks.

"Thanks a lot, good-for-nothing bloodsucker. The most embarrassing moment in my life has just been captured on camera!" Jacob snarled from the floor queasily, rolling over to face me as best he could. His eyes were cold and dark. Well, I think that's how they are all the time, but...

Edward, covered in rotten tomato juice, just kept laughing, and laughing, and laughing... until it became too much and he collapsed again. Ms. Yapp finally managed to stuff the sauce-filled spoon into his laughing, open mouth. He choked, but swallowed.

Big mistake. Since his stomach was still tender from... last time, he groaned and took on a similar position to that of Jacob Black's. Nice. Alice and Jasper jumped away just in time, before he coughed up a glob of venom.

I chortled, shaking my head. And I thought _I_ was the silly one in the family!

Suddenly, a small, warm finger could be felt tapping my shoulder. I spun around, startled. "Huh?"

"E–excuse me, s–sir..." Ah, it was the scrawny little boy who was afraid of Tabasco Hot Sauce. Henry, I think his name was.

"Yeah, Henry?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"I– it's Harold, s–sir..." He stuttered, seeming to shrink down from my intimidating stance.

"Sure, yeah, Harold. What?" I was getting impatient.

"Y–you're standing in the way of the e–exit, s–sir..." Oh. I stood aside, and a horde of students hurriedly shuffled out, eager to escape the ensuing chaos inside. The Quileute werewolves grinned sheepishly before also escaping into the night. I suppose I couldn't blame them.

**BPOV**

I groaned, rolling over.

Where was I?

Why was I here?

Why... is my fiancé covered in rotten tomato juice? And choking up venom, _again_?

"Alice?" I hissed. She looked over at me, curious. She didn't notice the spaghetti noodle caught in her spikey hair. She silently slid over to me, and I gestured to her hair. She shrieked, and her hands flew all over her hair in movements so fast, they looked invisible. The noodle came free, and smacked onto my face, hanging off the tip of my nose.

"Thanks, Alice." I scowled, picking the noodle off my nose. "Mind telling me what happened before I ingested that Axeified sauce?"

"You might want to take it easy there, Bella. Your stomach should still be sore." She grinned. "And anyways, while you were out like a light, Emmett took a picture of everyone, Rose ran out of the building with the camera, Edward got mad, Jacob got mad, Jazz and I got mad, and Ms. Yapp got _really_ mad, and shoved some of the stuff down Edward's throat." She said it in all of one breath.

"Wow." Was all I could say. This whole ordeal was just like that morning when Jake just _had_ to challenge Edward to a competition; CHAOS.

I hadn't noticed Jasper, but he was suddenly there. "You guys want to see what happens when things get turned up?" He grinned, "Or have you had enough for one night?"

In the background, I saw Jacob manage to haul himself up onto his feet with the help of the counter. He was grimacing and clutching his stomach, but a grim smile overtook his features.

Edward spit out a pool of venom and rolled over with a moan. He struggled in the slippery tomato mess for a second, before managing to stand up shakily. He glared at Jacob.

Ms. Yapp had started hitting Emmett with a spatula. He was whining like a baby and attempting to get to the door and escape. Ms. Yapp was making that a bit difficult. She somehow managed to trip him with a turkey baster and he landed in a mass of potatoes with a thud.

I turned my attention back to Jasper with tired eyes. "I've definitely had enough for one night."

Alice nodded, a faint bell-like laugh escaping her lips. "Yeah. Not that I don't enjoy watching all this stuff, but..." She shrugged.

"Good choice, guys. Jacob and Newton have gotten their fair shares of humiliation, for one summer, at least." Jasper smirked.

And with that, he closed his eyes, concentrating very hard on his power.

A wave of lethargy hit everyone. Even vampires, who can't sleep were sagging over. Alice sat down and mumbled, "Damn, it's not fair that I can get this tired, but can never sleep!"

My eyes were already closed, but I heard the faint yawnings of Jacob and Ms. Yapp, and the thuds signifying the vampires falling over in exhaustion. I felt sorry for them, who would get to do nothing but _feel_ tired while they watched us humans get to really sleep.

For the second time today, I blacked out, darkness enveloping my mind.

**Hey everyone! Another chapter dead and gone... Sorry it was shorter than the rest of them. I needed to conclude Newton and Black: Termination Attack, somewhere! **

**Check out the beginning of another (gosh, I know!) new story, called Clairvoyance. It, naturally, is about Alice. Again, I probably won't update it until this particular story is done.**

**Review! Jazz had a happy-spasm last time, let him have a HAPPY-SEIZURE this time!**

**This isn't exactly a preview, but the title of the next chapter will be called:**

**Creme Brulee, French for Burnt Cream**

**Ooh, I know! So many possibilities! Burnt cream? Tune in next time!**

**VV**


	8. Creme Brulee, French for Burnt Cream

Disclaimer: I own none of the recognizable characters. 'Nuff said.

**Bonjour les gens ! J'espère que chacun a une bonne semaine ! Merci des types tellement des revues, jaspe se trouve sur le plancher à côté de moi dans un état catatonique. Soupir…**

**Bien, voici le prochain chapitre, juste comme je promettais, crème brulée, française pour la crème brûlée. Apprécier !**

**Hah! French! If you really actually want to find out what I said, and you don't know how to read French, go 'creme brulee', (krem- broo- lay).**

**Chapter 8: Creme Brulee, French for Burnt Creme**

**EdwardPOV**

I watched with a solemn expression as my arch-nemesis, Jacob Black, and my psychotic camp counseler were shipped off in a stretcher towards an ambulance with its sirens still flashing. It took five medical personnel to lift the big fatty. I sighed. Maybe this hadn't been such a good idea.

Poor Ms. Yapp. She's in a coma.

Poor Jacob... sort of. He's got food poisoning.

The steadily darkening sky slowly diminished my mood as the sun sank under the horizon.

My family and Bella stood stiffly by my side, meekly awaiting our punishments. I felt guilt sweep over me; this really was mostly my fault.

_Yes, Edward, guilt is exactly what you should be feeling right now! _ Yes Jasper, I will concede.

_You ruined this shirt, Edward, and you will pay. _I apologize, Alice, for any wardrobe malfunctions I may have caused you.

_I'm just glad I captured such an endearing moment on film, little bro. _Well Emmett, I most certainly am not.

_My hair is all messed up! _ That's wonderful, Rosalie.

Bella held my hand, but her expression told me she was far, far away, thinking very hard about something. How I wish I could read her mind!

"Come on, guys, let's get back to our cabins." Jasper murmured, looking down at his shoes. "We've had enough excitement for one day."

We nodded silently and all went off towards our respective cabins.

When I stepped into the now-vacated B6, I felt a wave of loneliness sweep over me. I couldn't help it; Jacob's unmade bed and Newton's abandoned, cluttered duffle bag sorely reminded me of the horrible, although amusing, times I had shared with the two of the most hated people in my life.

Sigh. I shuffled to my bed and eased down on to it, throwing the ratty comforter over my head so I would not be disturbed.

Stupid emotions of guilt.

**RosePOV**

I ran the hairbrush through my golden hair, working out all the tangles and knots that had ensued from tonight's spaghetti fiasco.

Personally, I think all those myths about vampires not having reflections in mirrors are so... goosey. The thought of not having a reflection is so ridiculous, I always carry around a pink, ruby studded compact, just for kicks. Not to mention the fact that I'm staring at my gorgeous self right this very moment, admiring how my hair shines in just the right light, and how my pale skin contrasts marvelously with my wonderful golden eyes...

Shaking myself back into reality, I returned to brushing my hair. I mustn't get_ too_ vain or shallow. I knew I already _was_, and I didn't want to push it.

"Rose! C'mon, Bella and I are already ready to go!" That was Alice. Of course. I smiled at myself in the cracked cabin mirror and decided I looked stunning no matter what I did to myself. Smirking, I stood up from the precarious little stool I'd been perched on and quickly snagged Alice's little digital camera from the bathroom counter. I was going to make sure that all the precious pictures stored on the tiny SD card would be safe. The pictures showed priceless moments of my siblings' humiliation, and I wasn't going to take any chances.

Slipping the camera into my pink Prada totebag, I called, "Coming! Jeesh, keep your hair on Alice!"

I stepped out of the crumbly bathroom in red stiletto heels, a sight denim jean skirt, and a red vinyl halter top. Top it all off with blood-red fingernails and lipstick, and you've got one recipe for a gorgeous Rosalie Hale!

"Nice outfit, Rose." Bella commented, fingering her own jeans and a t-shirt getup, "Just the right stuff for camping, I'm sure."

I stuck my tongue out at her, and we all giggled like maniacs.

"Hurry up, guys, we'll be late for our creme brulee lesson at kitchen hall three!" Alice yelled, already skipping down the rickety porch steps.

I snatched up Bella's wrist, startling her, "Yeah, Bella. You know, when I was human, my family and I would often get the servants to fetch us creme brulees from the bakery. They were very good, I recall..." I trailed off, and started leading Bella down the dark steps and into the night after Alice. Bella didn't know how luck she really was. She could sleep and eat, and do all of things I've wanted to do my whole vampire life, but couldn't. She could have children. She could blush. She could do everything I ever wanted! And soon, she was going to throw it all away...

"Hey, Rosalie?" Bella's quiet voice woke me from my fretting. "I just wanted to say..." She paused, looking down and blushing. A pool of venom gathered in my mouth, but I hastily forced myself to swallow it. "Yes?"

Her heart rate sped up, but she finally looked up and smiled at me. "I just wanted to... thank you. For accepting me and everything. I realize it must have been hard for someone... like me... to come barging into your house and well, you know..." She laughed nervously.

I smiled. This was what I had been getting to. Bella was going to go throwing her life away, but it was to be with my brother. For true love, for eternity. Literally. Edward and her were the perfect matches, no matter how much I wished otherwise. I knew, that if I had been human, and Emmett were a vampire, I would give up my humanity in the blink of an eye just to be with him.

Love and life are complicated, I know.

"Of course, Bella." I finally answered, "You and my brother love each other. I accept that. And I accept you as a sister. Thank _you_ for bringing so much to my family."

A grin broke out over her face and she startled me by jumping on me and giving me a huge hug. "Thanks, Rose." She laughed when she released me, thank God!

We were so busy with our sisterly bonding, I hadn't noticed the bright lights of Kitchen Hall 3 glowing in the darkness. Alice was waiting outside, tapping her foot impatiently.

"Hey Alice!' Bella and I greeted at the same time, causing us to laugh. Alice's face softened at the obvious sisterhood flowing between us. I could swear as we stepped into the bright kitchen, I heard her mutter, "Finally, it happened." Stupid psychic sister.

Flaunting my red heels and sexy attire, I strode, hips swinging, towards the back of the room, where the boys were already gathered.

Edward looked a mess. His hair was even more disarrayed than usual, and the shadows under his eyes seemed a darker purple than when I had last seen him. Bella detached herself from me and hurried over to him, without tripping, I might add.

Jasper and Alice were arguing over whether it was a good idea or not to come to this lesson; after all, all the other times everything ended up a complete disaster.

Jasper was furiously whispering about how Carlisle made a huge mistake in sending us here, and that it was too big of a risk, to both us and innocent humans, to continue attending the stupid camp.

Alice, however, was convinced this was a fun, entertaining experience, and that Carlisle and Esme deserved some time off.

I didn't really care, either way, and so I leaned into my husband and whispered, "What do you think of this camp so far?"

He grinned his signature goofy grin that always made my heart melt, "Well Rose, I'm torn. On one hand," He grew more serious, "I kind of agree with Jasper. I'd really rather be at home, playing Guitar Hero 3 or chasing grizzlies, than being here and wasting my time with stuff I can't even digest." He smiled again, raising his index finger, "But Alice also has a good point. This place can really be fun, and the Newton and Black: Termination Attack was one of the top ten pranks I've pulled since I was changed!" He laughed his booming laugh, and I couldn't help but join in after a second.

"Ah, I can't wait to get home."

"Me neither, Rose, me neither."

And then our replacement instructor walked in.

**Carly Rae's POV (New teacher.)**

OMG! It was my first time as a student teacher, and I was sooo excited! I had volunteered at a local Culinary Arts camp because the real teacher was in a coma, and my first lesson was today! I was gonna be teaching! My dream job!

"Hey, kids!" I yelled happily to the many students, who were all at least my age. I received a few scowls and glares, but it didn't phase me one bit! "I'm Carly Rae, your new student teacher!"

A few of the nicer students waved half-heartedly. A few of the guys' eyes scanned over my body. I noticed a beautiful blonde girl glance at me, yawn, and then turn back to her HUGE muscley boyfriend. I pouted. I hated being ignored.

"Excuse me, missy, what would your name be?" I asked angrily.

She looked back over at me with an amused smirk. "Rosalie. Rosalie Hale." I noticed the huge, muscley guy tighten his arm around her waist. "And I'm Emmett!" He grinned at me.

_Emmett?_I thought, _That sounds like a girl's name... _I heard a soft chuckle, and turned around to see THE MOST FRICKIN' GORGEOUS GUY ON THE ENTIRE PLANET standing a few feet from me. It was almost like he had heard my thoughts. My eyes flickered up to his sexy mess of bronze hair, his gorgeous topaz eyes. But when I started scanning his super hotty hot, and not to mention, muscular body, someone cleared their throat loudly.

I looked up in a daze to see Mr. Fantabulous staring at me incredulously and slightly disgustedly, and a plain Jane brunette glaring murderously at me. "What?" I asked scandalously.

"Pick your eyes up off of my fiancé!" The brunette shrieked at me, baring her teeth and growling. Yes, she growled.

Fiancé? Damn! As they say, all the good ones are either taken, or gay. Hmph. "Well, whatever."

As I turned away from the two, I snuck a flirtatious wink at Mr. Fantabulous and mouthed 'Call me'. A muscle twitched in his eye and he turned away from me. Oh well.

**EdwardPOV**

Eww... I feel the need to shower. I feel so dirty! Ugh!

"I can't believe her!" Fumed Bella, who had an adorably angry pout on her oh-so-kissable lips. She turned to me, glaring venomously. "I'm blaming you for that!" She snapped.

I was taken aback, and I did a double-take. "Excuse me? You're blaming _me_?" I asked incredulously and raising my eyebrows.

"Yes. It's all your fault that you're so good looking." She let a small grin onto her face on accident, but hurriedly covered it up with another scowl. But the damage was done.

"Ooh, really?" I purred into her ear. I had her now. She pressed her lips together firmly to avoid smiling. "Well then, I'll take the blame, in that case." I started butterfly-kissing her neck and shoulders, making my way to her twitching mouth.

"I–is that so?" She squeaked, just as I took her face in my hands and kissed her passionately. Her immediate reaction was to kiss me back and completely forget about everything we were just talking about. When the venom started polling into my mouth, I reluctantly broke away and Bella stood there gasping and blushing.

"Er hem!" That girl, Carly Rae, cleared her throat loudly and said in her high pitched, girlie voice, "Time for the lesson to begin, students! I'll need a volunteer to help me demonstrate the proper method!" She grinned flirtatiously, glancing at me. "How 'bout you, sonny?" She giggled, eyeing me up. I blanched. Sonny?

Hastily, I shook my head. "No. No, thank you."

Bella glared and grabbed my arm. I couldn't help but feel that her possessive behavior was incredibly... sexy.

My siblings smirked at me, obviously amused by 'Carly Rae's revolting attraction to me. I grimaced.

"Aw come on! It'll be fun!" Carly Rae smiled like a Cheshire cat and sauntered over to me, swinging her hips in what I assumed was_supposed_ to be a seductive fashion. I cringed back when she stopped in front of me, fluttering her eyes forwardly. She snatched up my free hand and started dragging me back towards the counters. I could have easily broken away, but I was slightly paralyzed with shock.

Bella snarled as only a human can, letting go of my arm and tackling Carly Rae. The two began hissing out profanities and attempting to hit each other.

"Ooh! Chick fight! Awesome!" Emmett shouted gleefully, pumping his fists into the air. Some random guy in the audience whooped.

"Shut up Emmett!" I growled, concerned for Bella.

However, my concern appeared to be quite unneeded. The moment I thought that, Bella right-hooked Carly Rae in the face, causing her to shriek and fall backwards into a bowl of ready-made creme brulee cream. The cream splattered all over the kitchen and onto Carly Rae's Hollister outfit.

"You!" She screeched, fumbling up and desperately attempting to wipe the stuff off of herself. "This cost me 200 dollars!" And then she pounced. A series of 'oooooohs' came up from the watching crowd.

Bella glared with an intensity I never thought I would see coming from _my_ sweet Bella, and swiftly sidestepped the oncoming bitch-of-a-girl.

Poor Carly Rae. My family and I watched, enthralled, as the girl was sent flying into a preheated oven, her hair making contact with one of the red-hot burners and then catching fire.

Oh.

My.

God.

"Oh my GOD!" Screamed Carly Rae, jumping up and violently pawing at her fiery 'do, squealing like a pig and aiming a kick at Bella, who jumped back into a sack of flour and fell over, being dusted over completely in white.

So distracted was I by the ensuing 'chick fight', I hadn't noticed Alice taking the pictures.

"Alice! What are you doing?!" I exclaimed, attempting to grab the little silver device out of her hands. She jumped back and giggled,

"Capturing these endearing moments on camera, duh!" She laughed and then took another picture, one of Carly Rae dousing her flaming hair with water from the sink. I sighed, it was no use arguing with Alice, ever.

Rosalie and Jasper ran over to Bella, who was stuck in a highly amusing position with her rear end in the flour sack and her limbs flailing helplessly out the top. Jasper managed to tug her out and Rose set to work dusting off her clothes, hair, and face at vampire speed.

"Bella, let me tell you," Rose began, giggling as he wiped the caked flour off of Bella's left cheek, "This flour really doesn't help your pale complexion."

Emmett, meanwhile, sauntered over to Carly Rae and dumped a large bucket of egg whites on her head, sufficiently dousing the small inferno, but completely soaking the girl. I chuckled. Her hail now resembled a moldy egg. The very top of her hair had been completely singed off, bald and pink. The rest of her hair was accurately described as 'charred'.

"You–you– Eeurgh!" She sputtered angrily, before bowling her way past a couple of chuckling seventeen-year-olds and out the door.

The whole hall burst into laughter after her.

I noticed the air temperature seemed warmer than before.

And then I smelt burning. Maybe Carly Rae's hair was out, but the dishrag she had spread the fire to, hanging on the oven door, most certainly was not.

"No!" I cried, sprinting towards it just as it started spreading. The flames licked at a nearby cookbook, eating, consuming the paper. I started smacking the book, but to no avail.

Fire, is one of the few things that can sufficiently harm a vampire, aside from mainly other vampires, and werewolves. In large enough quantities, fire_ can_ burn through our normally rock hard skin and cause a lot of fatal internal damage if not doused in time.

I hissed in pain as the flame grew ,singing my hand, and catching onto a shelf full of cardboard boxes and packaging material. The flames ate the cardboard and newspapers eagerly, bursting into a true inferno as boxes and ashes fell to the floor, catching on other, flammable things, and taking up almost half the kitchen. This kitchen has too many paper things! The situation was getting out of hand.

BEEP! BEEP! BRZZZZING! The fire alarm was triggered, sending out deafening buzzing and wailing noises. I winced, my extra-sensitive ears smarting from the volume.

BEEP BEEP BRZZZZZG! The sprinklers started up.

"Get out! Everyone out!" I heard Emmett shouting frantically, his loud voice easily heard over the crackling.

"Keep Bella safe!" I yelled knowing that one of my family members would hear, although I had no idea who.

_Will do, Edward! _I breathed a sigh of relief. I watched Alice's mind as she dragged Bella over to a non-flamey corner and sat her down on a crate of oranges. She was completely soaked from the sprinklers.

BEEP BEEP BRZZZZZZG!

"Edward! Look out!" Cried Bella from behind me. I looked up to a loud snapping noise, and jumped away from a smoldering spice shelf, the charred wood snapping from the pressure of the tongues of flame. Small bottles of spices showering me and clattering onto the floor.

BEEP BEEP BRZZZZZZZG!

I busied myself with attempting to subdue the licking flames, helped along by the showers of water gushing from the sprinklers, throwing buckets of random ingredients; flour, eggs, etc., at the growing fire.

The humans were starting to panic, shouting and screaming in the chaos of mad rushing towards the exit. My family, excluding Bella, who had just tripped over a fallen pot after attempting to sit up from the orange crate, was hurriedly ushering the panicked students out of the smoking building. It was a grueling process.

When everyone but the vampires and Bella was safely outside, I backed away f rom the heat and the sparks and scooped up the very frazzled Bella from her sprawled position on the floor, the offending pot somehow perched upsidown on her head like some sort of weird hat. And I ran, shouting over my shoulder to my gathered siblings,

"C'mon! Do you _want_ to be fried?!"

* * *

** JazzyPOV, Later that day...**

We watched morosely as the firemen finally managed to douse the rest of the fire. By the time my family and I had escaped the kitchen, most of the building had started going up in flames. There was nothing left of it except a charred, smoky building frame.

Of course, it was obvious that nobody at all was unhappy with this new installment. The emotions of joy, excitement, and relief I felt radiating throughout the students told me no one was sad to see the Culinary Arts camp go. I considered myself one of those people.

Edward was sending out waves of happiness and love, cradling Bella in his arms, who was soundly asleep from today's excitement.

Emmett was ecstatic, grinning profoundly as he watched the firefighters hose down piles of smoldering wood.

Rosalie was bored. She was still very _happy_ that the building had burned down, but nevertheless, she was very bored. She busied herself by admiring her reflection in a pink compact of hers.

And Alice, my wonderful wife, was seated in my lap while admiring the 'amazing' pictures she had taken. I'll admit, they were quite embarrassing, especially the one of Edward with a bra on his head, HA!

I heard him growl irately, hearing my thoughts, but I only shrugged. I was content. As content as I _can_ be, surrounded by humans and their thick, warm, sweet blood...

Ugh. I shook myself. I'd have to hunt when we got home.

And that reminds me, when _are_ we going home? They honestly can't keep us here; no teacher, no kitchen, no NOTHING!

I, for one, would like to know.

******Ciao, my friends! I hope you liked this chapter, it was very... fiery.****I just want to warn you, there are going to be about two or three more chapters, until I conclude The CullenAry Arts. Sob, I know. Once I really AM done, I will put a poll up on my profile and ask you what you would like me to do next!**

******Review, merci!******


	9. Home Sweet Home

Disclaimer: Do I own any of these characters, etc? NO.

**Ciao, everyone! I am loving you all for the reviews, merci! Anyways, here's the next chapter. No more Culinary Arts Camp, I'm afraid, although we do get to see what good ol' Carlisle and Esme've been up to. It's in Bella's POV, and it's REALLY long.**

Chapter 9: Home Sweet Home

BPOV

I awoke groggily, and shifted to get in a more comfortable position from the rock-hard mattress I was currently laying on.

"Love, are you awake now?" Oh my gosh! The mattress spoke! In a velvety, honey saturated voice I knew all too well.

"Edward?" I mumbled, rubbing my eyes and yawning. His fingers traced my jawline. Suddenly, the memories came flooding back in a torrent of remembrance.

"Oh my God, Edward, did all of that really happen?!" I exclaimed, jolting up out of my sleeping position on his lap. He chuckled, and nodded his head with a bemused expression.

"Oh..." I blushed, of course, and he chuckled again.

"Don't worry, Bella. After you conked out, the fire was doused and everyone escaped safely." I breathed a silent sigh of relief at his words. Phew!

I looked around, noticing for the first time that it was dusk. We were on a bus. "Are we going home, hopefully?" I asked, silently pleading as I stared out into the dark night, shadowy trees passing by in a blur as the bus sped down the dirt road..

Edward grinned happily. "Thank the heavens, love, we are! The camp administrators told us to load up on the buses and get out of that hellhole, thank goodness!"

I laughed, and sighed in relief. "Yes, thank goodness! I think I've had enough Culinary Arts education for a lifetime, how about you?"

He chuckled, but his face darkened. "I do believe I've had enough Culinary Arts education for _eternity_, thank you very much!"

We stared at each other for a second in comfortable silence, before simultaneously bursting out in laughter.

A chorus of groggy teenagers 'shhed' us, and we immediately quieted ourselves. "Where is everyone else?" I asked in a hushed tone, inquiring about the whereabouts of his family.

"On another bus." He shrugged. "Suits me fine; I don't think I'd be able to stand any more of Emmett and his..." He thought for a moment before grinning, "Emmettness." We both laughed as silently as we could.

The rest of the bus ride was quiet. Not uncomfortable; I was very content to just sit in Edward's lap all night, savoring his smell and his arms wrapped around me, as we both stared out the window into the black of night. And, because of my little nap beforehand, I was lucid enough to stay awake all night.

At about 5:50 AM, according to Edward's wristwatch, the sun started peeking up above the horizon, a thin sliver of light against the dark forest. I sighed contentedly, and Edward tightened his arms around me.

Abruptly, I thought I saw something blonde flash outside the window. I froze, and Edward stiffened, sniffing the air suspiciously. I waited anxiously as he scrutinized the outside landscape warily, trying to pinpoint the smell he was apparently smelling.

And then a face appeared in the bus window. I screamed in shock, Edward's hand clamping over my lips before I could wake anyone up.

"Jasper?!" He asked incredulously to the grinning face outside the window. Jasper nodded, chuckling, although I couldn't hear him. He was jogging along with the moving bus at vampire speed, easily keeping pace and his blonde hair blowing about from the wind rushing by it.

"I was hunting," He mouthed, "and decided to drop by." Edward nodded wearily, and I poked his hand that was over my mouth, silently asking him to let go. He obliged quickly with a "sorry".

"S'okay." I mumbled, rubbing my jaw. Jasper laughed, waved, and disappeared back into the forest in the blink of an eye.

"That was... unexpected." Edward murmured. I laughed lightly.

"I think I'm going to go to sleep while I have the chance. Good night, Edward. Or should I say, good morning." I grinned into Edward's chest as he chuckled quietly.

He hummed my lullaby until I finally fell into the dark folds of dreamland.

EdwardPOV

It was 7:00 AM, and we were only 20 minutes to Forks, THANK SWEET GOD! Bella was nestled in my lap, curled up and sleeping soundly. She looked so cute.

"Mpff..." She snorted. Ah, yes. My favorite part of each morning. Bella's sleep talking. Sometimes she said the funniest things. It was really quite entertaining.

"Edward..." She muttered, twitching.

"Yes?" I answered her in good spirits, eager to discover what she would say this morning.

"Don't..."

"Hm?"

"Don't do it..."

"Do what, love?"

"Don't... touch thaaaat..." Snort, snuffle, snort. Twitch twitch.

"Huh?"

Unexpectedly, she grabbed the collar of my shirt in her sleep, startling me. Her hands unconsciously moved to the buttons of my shirt, which she started undoing, one by one. I blanched, my eyes popping out of their sockets. Hastily, I gently took Bella's pale wrists in my hands before she could undo any more buttons. She had already gotten down halfway, and I quickly re-buttoned my shirt, feeling embarrassed. Was this what Bella was dreaming of today? Uh...

Bella sighed in her sleep, cuddling into my chest. I let out a silent sigh of relief, for surely she had moved on to a different dream?

And then her hand tightly gripped my thigh. I flinched in shock, gasping , and hurriedly removed her hand and placed it somewhere less... intimate.

Truly, I did not want to wake Bella. She needed sleep and it would be quite rude and ungentlemanly to arouse her from her slumber.

But by now, she was mumbling something about kumquats and exploring my chest with a hand under my shirt. I pulled her arm out, smoothing my polo shirt anxiously. Maybe I should wake her...

Or move her. Yes, perfect solution. I eased Bella out of my lap and onto the bus seat next to me. Her head lolled onto my shoulder. Much better.

"That wasn't very nice, Eddie..." She muttered. I froze, thinking she had woken, but her heart and breathing rate were still too low for her to be awake. And she had used my hated nickname. Curse Emmett...

I sighed, draping my arm around Bella's shoulders. I hummed tunelessly to myself, playing with a new composition for the piano I had recently been brewing up.

I was so wrapped up in the different scales and arpeggios, I didn't notice Bella's sleeping arm snaking down, nearer and nearer to my waist... and below...until...

"CRAP!" I yelped, leaping out of my seat and shying away from Bella, who, in her sleeping form, would seem innocent enough to the naked eye. I firmly pressed my legs together and slid as far away as possible from her as the seat would let me.

I glanced at my watch; 10 minutes to go! Only 10 minutes... 10 minutes... I repeated in my head like a mantra, praying for the sun to rise faster and the clock to tick quicker.

"Edward..." Bella moaned and I whimpered, sorely intimidated from the amount of lust dripping off of Bella's tone. I cut off my breathing I attempt to calm myself.

"Yes, Bella?" I asked through my teeth, averting my eyes nervously.

"Will you..." She sighed.

"Will I what?" I asked wearily, clutching the bus seat anxiously.

"...buy me a spaghetti squash?"

"What?" I laughed, dropping my wary demeanor for just a second. A spaghetti squash?

"Yeah...mmmmmmmm..." She twitched, and suddenly her eyes flew open. She blinked a few times and focused her vision on me. "Morning, Edward." She yawned and stretched.

I blanched at the sudden turn the conversation had taken. "Oh, eh, yeah. Good morning, Bella."

She grinned, her eyes drooping in sleepiness. "What did I say last night? The usual?"

I paled and gulped. "Yes. The usual. You, um, you know... said my name a lot, and something about kumquats. You kept your hands to yourself, as usual." I laughed nervously.

She rose an eyebrow, but shrugged and stared blearily out the window at the steadily rising sun.

I glanced again at my watch. "It's 7:13, Bella. Seven more minutes until we're in Forks."

"Thank goodness." She sighed, snuggling up to me side. I started breathing again.

We stared out the window, much like earlier this morning, in silence. The extreme greenness of Forks reigned the current landscape, pine trees and moss smothering every visible patch of ground.

I heard a few of the other passengers start to wake up, rolling over and snuffling tiredly.

Outside, the rusted 'You Are Now Entering Forks, Washington' sign flashed by. I glanced at my watch. "7: 16. About four or five more minutes, love." Bella mumbled incoherently, still groggy.

I tapped my foot impatiently. Bella was once again nodding off on my shoulder.

Suddenly I heard a peculiar wet, smacking noise from the seat behind me, and then a spitting noise and a "Shoot!". I felt a warm finger tapping my other shoulder, the one closer to the bus aisle. I heard someone think, _Oh my God, oh God, he is so hot, so hot, I think I'm gonna die, gonna die... Jeez, his shoulder is cold and hard, really cold and hard... _"Excuse me, uhhh, guy?"

I snapped my head around to face the offender, obviously another of those disgustingly, flirtatiously, offendingly annoying girls. "What?" I asked angrily.

The girl was blonde; I recognized her from the fishing fiasco. She had been the girl who had tangled her line and hook in her french braid. Today, her hair was worn in a loose ponytail.

"You, um... got some gum in your hair?" She squeaked, obviously intimidated by me but still quite smitten.

"What?" I eyed her like she just escaped a mental asylum.

"Dude, you got some of my gum in your hair. I was chewin' my favorite Hubba Bubba, and when I tried blowin' a bubba, I accidentally spit it out. It, uh, flew over the seat and onto your hair, dude."

I widened my eyes, but quickly fingered my hair cautiously. And there, indeed, was a wet wad of mushy gum stuck to the top of my bronze hair. "Disgusting!" I exclaimed, hastily bringing my hand back down and wiping it on my jeans. "What the heck?!"

"I don't know." And blondie withdrew her head into her own seat. Real helpful. Honestly, I had no idea as to what I should do next. Pull it out? I don't know! I am not a hair dresser!

Gingerly I tugged at the sticky wad, attempting to detach it from my hair. The only thing I _did_ manage to achieve was getting it even _more_ stuck. Where was Alice when you needer her, she was good at this kind of thing.

I checked my watch, again, I know, but I really was anxious to get off this bus. Most of the humans were awake now, chatting quietly or staring out the window. It was 7:18.

I glanced out the window. We were definitely in Forks now. As I watched the outside world, we passed the police station, Newton's Outfitters, and a few lonely cul-de-sacs of the local Forkians. I watched Angela Weber toss a Frisbee to her two younger siblings in their back yard.

And finally,_ finally_, _**finally**_, the bus pulled into the parking lot of Forks High. A few cars were scattered around the lot, the impatient parents anxious to pick up their kids and get out. I scanned the collected cars, but there were no black Mercedes. Not even a silver Volvo! I sighed angrily. Carlisle better have a good excuse!

When the bus puffed to a stop, I shook Bella's shoulder, attempting to rouse her sleeping form. All I got from her was a grumble and a twitch. Sighing again, I scooped her up bridal-style and exited the bus as fast as I could, careful not to hit her lolling head on any of the bus seats of the narrow bus exit. It still amazed me just how feather-light she was.

And at last, we were FREE... I inhaled the crisp, moist air of Forks. Home, sweet home.

The bus containing my siblings pulled up onto the curb beside the bus Bella and I had ridden on.

I heard an inhuman squeal as the bus's door folded open and Alice came bouncing out. Jasper and Rosalie followed suit after a moment, and Emmett somehow managed to squeeze his bulky self out onto the lot.

"Hi Edward!" Alice waved and I made a shushing noise. "Hi Bella!" She added in a whisper when she saw Bella dangling, asleep in my arms.

Jasper strode up and wrapped his lanky arm around Alice's waist. "Hey guys, long time no see." He winked and we laughed. I was, again, cautious not to wake the sleeping angel in my arms.

"Guys, where is Carlisle? He was _supposed_ to pick us up." Rosalie dragged Emmett over to our little huddle, scowling and ignoring Emmett's requests to release her strangle hold on his arm.

I shrugged. "Don't know. I think someone's going to have to go get a car. We never did call him, so I guess he doesn't know we got out early."

Everyone nodded. Suddenly, Alice looked up at my head and gasped.

"What in the good lord's name is_ that_, Edward?" She made a face and pointed to the top of my hair. I brusquely remembered blondie and her wad of gum.

"Oh. That?" I sighed. "Some blonde girl got her gum stuck on my head, no big deal."

Alice looked scandalized and growled, "No big deal? NO BIG DEAL? Edward! It is a _very _big deal! I'm going home to get a car, right now! We can't have Bella waking up to a man with _gum_ in his hair. God, Edward!" She fumed as everyone else who had noticed, mostly my family, snickered and pointed.

Alice glared at me and pointed her index and middle finger at herself and then at me, implying that 'she was watching me'. Then she cast her eyes around for observant humans and streaked off at vampire speed though the forest towards our house. I hoped she would hurry.

Bella stirred in my arms and I looked down to see her peeking at me through squinted eyes. "Hey." She croaked.

"Hey, Sleeping Beauty." I grinned as she blushed crimson at my remark.

**Alice POV**

I sped down the familiar winding road that lead to our house, extremely anxious to grab my Porsche and return to my siblings, namely Edward, so I could remove that hideous glob of... stuff he somehow managed to get stuck in his _hair_.

I zoomed up the driveway and spotted he huge mass of white that was my house. I paused to look up at its majesty, tall and foreboding in a homely sort of way. I sighed, the sense of belonging and nostalgia sweeping over me after all those horrible, although entertaining, days at Culinary Camp. I loved home.

Just to be safe, I scanned ahead for visions of Carlisle and Esme. There were none, to my slight surprise...

Mystified, I opened the garage door and crawled in like a cat, quickly casting my eyes around for my wonderful yellow Porsche.

It wasn't there.

In fact, none of our cars were there! Not Carlisle's Mercedes, Edward's Volvo, Emmett's Jeep, Rose's BMW... and most importantly, MY PORSCHE!!!

"Carlisle?!" I hissed, quite confused and rather angry. Did he do this? I wasn't used to be surprised; shouldn't I have seen this? What was going on?

No one answered me. I stilled, listening intently for any sort of noises within the house.

Silence. I pursed my lips and cautiously backed out of the garage. The lack of life was eerie, and I didn't like it. Something was off.

Hastily, I slammed the garage door shut again and zipped off into the moist forest, anxious to return to my siblings to inform them of this new installment.

BellaPOV

I yawned. When was Alice coming back with a car? I was anxious to get out of the wet parking lot and into a warm house.

"Edward, can you hear her thoughts? Is she coming yet?" I asked my vampire fiancé, who shrugged and shook his head frustratedly.

"No, nothing. I just don't understand it..." He murmured aggrivatedly.

And the moment after he said that, he jerked up and gasped, almost knocking me off the bench we were sitting on. He rushed to straighten me, and then called out to his siblings. "Alice is coming back, but without a car... this is really weird..." He seemed to be talking to himself near the end, and his family came to gather around us curiously.

"What do you mean, without a car?" Rosalie inquired grumpily, obviously eager to get out of here.

"Is she alright?" Jasper asked anxiously, causing all of us to become worried.

We broke out into hushed and concerned mumblings, We didn't even notice when a black streak of hair came flying out of the forest and screeching to a stop next to Emmett. We all turned in surprise.

"Guys, guys!" Alice panted, wringing her hands, "The cars are gone, the house is empty, and something's wrong, I can feel it!" Jasper quickly went over to calm his wife.

I looked anxiously at Edward. "What does this mean?" I asked quietly.

"I don't know." He seemed unreasonably afraid with his lack of knowledge.

"Guys, let's go to the house and see what we can find." Emmett's usually goofy persona was suddenly covered by a serious mask.

Nods. Edward wordlessly picked my up and slung me over his back. I squeezed my eyes shut as he took off. It was still so disconcerting, how he seemed only to be jogging, while in reality, he was actually going about a hundred miles or more an hour.

When Edward said it was safe to open my eyes, we were inside the Cullen home, just inside the door and looking around cautiously. Alice sniffed for scents.

I did notice that everything was rather dilapidated. Esme was a home designer; she loved organization and cleanliness, but now, all the furniture was covered in a fine layer of dust. I let out a small sneeze.

"Something's not right..." Alice mumbled again, "The cars, the empty house..." She shuddered.

Jasper sent out a huge wave of calm, forcing us to relax a bit from our terse caution.

Emmett hit Jasper on the shoulder, surly from the stress, "Better safe than sorry, bro."

Jasper sighed and dropped his ability, and Emmett and Rosalie went upstairs, probably to do some investigating.

"I don't think it would be a good idea, Bella, for you to return to your house tonight. I'd feel better if you stayed here tonight." Edward slipped his arm around my waist. I nodded.

"Okay. Fine by me."

Alice nodded slowly and pulled out her pink MotoRazr. She dialed a number so fast, her fingers were a blur. When she put the little device to her ear, she tapped her foot impatiently, the soft, methodic thrumming noise echoing off the empty walls.

Finally, she huffed in frustration and snapped her phone shut, pocketing it. "Charlie's not home either, Bella. I was going to call and tell him you'd be spending the night, but he's not there..."

I frowned. "But today is his day off... and he never goes out. He just watches TV..." I stopped when Edward froze, his eyes widening in alarm.

"Does this mean Charlie has something to do with this whole thing?" He asked worriedly, pinching the bridge of his nose. I put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

And then Rosalie's scream from upstairs shattered the moment.

Emmett came bursting down the staircase, his face a strange expression of shock, amusement, and anger.

"What the hell?" Jasper exclaimed, blinking in surprise.

"HOW _DARE _THEY!?!?" Rosalie screeched while stomping down the stairs, causing the whole room to shake rather violently. Jasper quickly sent waves of peace at her, before she could do any real damage. She took a few calming breaths before seething, "Look! Look what they did!" She snarled and threw a piece of paper down at our feet. It looked like a colorful flyer, or brochure.

I bent down to pick it up, and the rest of the family, besides the scathing Rosalie and the sheepish Emmett, gathered closer to take a closer look.

I gasped. The flyer read:

_YOUR DREAM VACATION_

_The kids away? Your job too much? _

_LOOKS LIKE YOU COULD USE A VACATION!_

_And Sunshine Spas, located in sunny Sacramento, California, has just the one for you!_

_Spas, swimming, sunbathing, and much, much more!_

_All for the low, low price of $235,100 per three people for five days!_

_GET OUTTA TOWN!!!_

_Call 1-800-SUN-SPA for more information!_

"HE _SOLD_ OUR CARS!!!" Rosalie started making a scene again, wailing loudly, "HE SOLD MY _CONVERTIBLE_ FOR A _VACATION_!!!"

"Shh, baby, Rose, it's OK..." Emmett attempted to tame his wife, who was now clutching at her hair wildly, looking quite deranged. He tentatively patted her shoulder. "We can get you a new one, come on Rose..."

"NO WE CAN'T!!!" She screamed, lashing out at him with her perfectly manicured fingernails, "I WON THAT CAR AT A LIMITED EDITION, NO OTHER RETAIL CONVENTION!!!"

I was so shocked my Rose's meltdown, I hadn't noticed Edward. Now I did. I noticed how my fiancé, usually so calm, usually so collected and aloof, was curled up in a fetal position at my feet, shaking visibly and dry-sobbing.

"Edward?" I asked softly, worriedly, bending down to face him. "What's wrong?"

"L-like you d-don't know..." He snuffled and broke down again completely before continuing, "My baby, oh, my baby..._ gone..._" He caterwauled like an animal. I silently embraced his pitiful form, knowing how much his Volvo had meant to him. Sometimes, I thought he loved it even more than me...

A few yards away, Jasper was attempting futilely to calm down a shell-shocked Alice. She was literally vibrating, and a muscle was going in her eye. Jasper tried hugging, tickling, and kissing before giving up and collapsing from all the emotions circulating throughout the room; Rosalie's anger, Emmett's submissive behavior, Edward's anguish, my concern and confusion, Alice's shock, and, of course, his own wild emotions. Alice fell over next to him after a moment.

I peeked over Edward's shaking shoulder to see Rose advancing on a very panicked Emmett, hostilely brandishing a ceramic, blue and white vase. She chucked it at him and it shattered on his head. He winced and put his hands out protectively, pleading in vain as she grabbed a portrait off the wall and bared it menacingly,

"Please Rose! Don't! No, no Rose, please! Esme adores that picture... OW!" She threw that too, and it split in half on Emmett's rock hard chest, pieces of frame and chips of paint falling to the floor. He ran for the door, screaming, with Rose hot on his heels, roaring like a lioness.

I gulped and continued patting Edward's back, waiting for his sobs to subside.

Carlisle's POV (HAHAHA!)

Ahh...

The most perfect five days I've ever spent in my life.

Perfect.

I had one hand on the Mercedes wheel, and my other arm around the headrest of Esme's seat. We had both had a great time at Sunshine Spa. By mere whim, we'd invited Charlie Swan along too. We hadn't seen him much during our stay, as he was always watching sports games while Esme and I were getting massages, but I gathered he had a nice time, too.

I drove my Mercedes up the winding path towards our house, smiling serenely at the Fork's scenery. Wet, green, and mushy. Home, sweet home. California had been nice, very warm, of course, but I'd had to take extra care to book only at-night spa treatments and only at-night activities. The sight of a sparkling vampire, sunbathing in the warm California rays, probably would not have been the best image to show to a human.

Now, I still wore the khaki kapris and the blue, Hawaiian patterned, tourist, button-up shirt. Esme was still sporting her woven tweed flip-flops, her authentic grass hula-skirt, and a shirt similar to mine, except orange. It looked stunning on her.

I turned onto my long, twisted driveway, eager to be home at last. And I'd still have two more weeks alone with Esme, the children not coming home until next month.

I _had_ felt guilty about selling their cars for the trip. But I planned on purchasing new ones soon, once I'd built up the funds. I didn't want to mess up my strictly methodical doctor's salary, quite yet.

Suddenly, a scream shattered our peaceful silence. I slammed on the brakes, swerving the wheel with my vampire reflexes so we wouldn't go tumbling into the forest.

"Oh my gosh!" Esme exclaimed.

Rosalie, yes, _Rosalie_, was chasing after Emmett with a tree branch, her face twisted up into a guttural snarl. She leaped over the hood of my car, much to my shock, as I had not been expecting to see either Emmett or Rosalie for another two weeks...

"DIE!!!" She shrieked at Emmett, who cowered into a spruce tree as she advanced, swinging her weapon. Neither of them had noticed our presence.

"Rosalie, stop this at once!" I cried, quickly getting out of the car and approaching my children cautiously. Emmett looked surprised and relieved to see me, but Rose was a different story.

The moment she saw me, she seemed to freeze. A snarl built up in her throat and she crouched low, dropping her branch. "You... sold... my... car..." She managed to hiss, before leaping at me viciously.

I sidestepped her, completely shocked. But she was till too fast, spinning around in midair and aiming a kick at my stomach that had me flying 20 yards away into a large boulder before I knew what was even happening. The forest shook from the impact.

"HOW DARE YOU!!!" Screamed Rosalie, who was now thankfully being held back by Emmett's muscled arms. He winced as she started jamming her stiletto heel into his leg in an attempt to break free.

"Rosalie, what in the world has gotten into you?!" My wife admonished my daughter, completely mystified as to why she was acting so.

"He... sold... my car..." Rose spit at the ground, thrashing angrily. Esme and I sighed.

"Rose, honey." I began in my most comforting tone, "We had to. My salary's been taking a dip, and since Alice wasn't here to predict some stock market changes... well..." I trailed off apologetically.

"Your salary, my ass!" Rosalie hissed at me, but I noticed she had stopped struggling.

"Let's go home." Emmett suggested quietly. "The rest of them are there and... uh..." He didn't finish, but he didn't need to. I knew that if this was how Rosalie reacted, then my other children also, would have rather... strong reactions.

I left the car; we could get it later, and ran to my front door in a matter of seconds, anxious to see what kind of turmoil lay within my own home.

"Oh my..." Esme gasped.

Jasper and Alice were both collapsed, not unconscious, but incapacitated, on the floor. Alice appeared to be twitching slightly, and Jasper clutched his head, moaning softly, "The emotions, oh, the _emotions_..."

An even stranger sight was my first son, Edward, whom I had always known to be calm and somber, sobbing tearlessly into Bella's lap while in a fetal position. Bella patted his back and murmured comforting things into his ear that appeared to have no effect at all on him.

Emmett came through the door behind us, tightly holding a pouting Rosalie in his arms so she couldn't wreak havoc. He smiled tightly an muttered, "It's an eyesore, isn't it?" And he quickly loped up the stairs to his and Rose's room.

I was unsure what to do. Never before had my children acted so... like children, not even that time when I'd grounded Alice from shopping after overloading her credit card at a mega-mall in Canada.

At this point, I supposed that Bella was the only one sober enough to consult. I swiftly strode over to her and tapped her on the shoulder. She started, snapping her head up in surprise. Edward continued to sob tearlessly, unaware of what was happening.

"Um, Bella? Hello..." I began awkwardly, and Bella nodded tiredly. I could see shadows under her eyes that could rival my own. "Could you tell me what's going on? Why are you guys back so early?" Esme gingerly at down next to Bella and started stroking Edward's hair.

She sighed, but laughed dryly. "It's a very long story, but to sum it all up; the whole experience was cataclysmic, out teacher was in a coma, Mike Newton and the werewolves showed up; that didn't help any thing, all three kitchen halls have been either splattered in pancake mix, spaghetti sauce, or burned down, and to top it all off, we discover you sold everyone's cars!" Bella sighed in an accusing tone, wiping her eyes and yawning.

Now I felt embarrassed. "I'm sorry, I should not have sent you there in the first place, and much less sold everybody's cars." I sighed.

"You damn got that right!" Edward croaked from Bella's lap, finally having calmed down a bit. "OW!" He suddenly hissed, slapping his head.

"What's this?" Esme asked wonderingly, holding up a piece of chewed bubble gumshe had ripped from Edward's hair.

**Tee hee!!! I hope this made you laugh at least once... Anyways, this is the last chapter before the epilogue. So sorry! The epilogue will sum things up, everything from Mike to the wolves to... photos?**

**CACKLE**

**Review! Please! I really want to make 100 by the end of the story!**

**VV**

P.S. I am still so so so so sorry for the It was a Long Ten Years situation! If you want to take the story idea off my hands, PM me and you'll probably get it.


	10. Epilogue

Disclaimer: If you believe I own Twilight or the characters within, you are crazier than Crazy Hair Day!

**Ciao! Thank you so much everyone for your support and reviews! Thanks for sticking with me till the very end, guys, you rock!**

**Here's the epilogue and conclusion to The CullenAry Arts, hope you enjoy and have a good week!**

Part One: Mike's Pike

**Therapist's POV**

Hmm...

This was one of the most vexing cases I'd had since the traumatized acrobat who'd been distracted by the clown, and then fallen off the trapeze into the marching band. She'd had to have two years of specialized therapy before she would even consider taking gymnastics again.

My latest patient, and sad, scrawny boy named Michael Newton, more often known as Mike, was being rather difficult. He'd attended a Culinary Arts Camp not too long ago, had some traumatic experiences, and been forced by his anxious parents to come here, to therapy.

I sighed patiently. "Are you _sure_, Mike, that this resembles a _pike_?" I once again held out the inky Roschire test. To me, it distinctly resembled a symmetrical, black butterfly, but...

"Y-yes..." He mumbled, clutching the waist of his jeans, as if he were afraid they would fall off.

"Okaaay..." I smiled comfortingly, and then lied easily to him, "You're doing a very good job, Mike. I feel we're making good progress." Lies, all of it. This last hour, all he'd been rambling on about was pikes, pants, and a boy by the name of 'Cullen'. I gathered that Mike didn't like 'Cullen' all that much, because every time his name was mentioned, Mike would shriek out, "FILTHY CULLEN!!!" and then have to take a few minutes of calming time.

However, I could never got him to tell me who exactly 'Cullen' was.

I glanced discreetly at the clock. Ok, twenty more minutes with Mr. Freaky, twenty more... I slipped the Roschire test into one of my desk drawers.

"So, Mike," I began, pressing the tips of my fingers together while leaning my elbows on my desk, "How do you feel this therapy has been working for you?"

He paled. "Oh... uh... g-great, I think..." He blinked a few times, and then seemed to focus his attention on something behind me. "OH GREAT GOD!" He screamed, thrashing out of his chair and crawling pitifully away from... something, tears pouring down his face.

"Mike?" I asked, worried. I turned around in my wheely-chair to see what in the world had upset him, and immediately figured it out. It was a plastic salmon; the kind of novelty one you can get at a trinket shop. The kind where if you press the little yellow button to make it sing an amusing song.

Hurriedly, I grabbed it down from the wall, pulling out the nail, and threw it under my desk. Mike was now in a fetal position, sobbing on the floor. I quickly went over to him and helped him onto the couch.

He gasped, and jumped up, scrabbling at his pants in a panic. "Are they still there? Are my pants still there?" He kept asking, hyperventilating by now.

"Yes Mike, they are." I told him in a calming tone, bent on soothing his distressed state. I gently forced him onto the couch and pulled up a chair so I could sit next to his bedside.

"Is the pike gone?" He whimpered, shaking timidly.

"Yes, Mike, it's gone." I said in a voice that might suggest I was talking to a five-year-old. "It wasn't even a pike, really, it was a salmon. A plastic one." I added for good measure.

Big mistake.

"NOOOOO!" Mike squealed, shrinking away from me, clutching his pants like a lifeline, his eyes rolling to the back of his head.

"Mike! Calm down! It's okay, nothing will hurt you!" I urged him, my voice breaking slightly.

"N-no-nothing?" He hiccuped, sniffling. His blond hair was even more disheveled, his blue eyes red-rimmed and puffy.

"Nope, in fact, I'd face wild barracuda before I'd let any harm come to you, right, Mike?"

Another big mistake.

"BARRACUDA?! BARRACUDA?! IT'S A FISH! PIKE! PIKE!" He screamed on and on and on. He dug his fingers into the fabric of his pants.

I sighed. The situation had gotten out of hand; Mike was having a mental breakdown while writhing violently on the couch. Usually, I tried to avoid this, but it was inevitable. Today had been a bad day.

So there was only one thing I could do.

Taking a deep breath and backing away from Mike, I quickly pulled out a small, handheld tranquilizer dart gun from a hidden 'emergencies only' compartment behind a plastic plant.

"I'm sorry, Mike." I aimed, squeezed my eyes shut, and pulled the trigger with shaking fingers.

_Thoop_, went the gun.

"Aiiiiiiiiii!" Went Mike, his screams gradually fading until the office was silent. I opened my eyes.

Mike lay peacefully on the floor, a tranquilizer dart poking out of his left thigh. He drooled a bit.

I sighed and dropped the dart gun, sinking to my feet, my face in my hands.

This was how most of my sessions with Mike Newton ended.

**Part two: Jacob on Sesame Street**

Jacob's POV

Stupid, stupid, STUPID leech!

Thanks to him, I got food poisoning and spent the last twenty-four hours being sick and woozy.

Right now, I was propped up on about five faded pillows, in my own bed. Sometimes I cursed my werewolf genes; I was so big in comparison to my bed, my legs dangled off the end and the mattress sagged inward because of my wolfish weight.

The hospital had released me only about three hours ago, and I still had no visitors. Billy wasn't what I categorized as a 'visitor'. No Sam, no Embry, no Quil, no anybody. I would have thought they might have at least dropped by, considering I blamed Sam for everything that had happened. At least Emily would be happy...

"Jake? You up?" Someone called. I jerked up, much to the dislike of my stomach. It sparked with pain for a second, and then I answered in a tight voice, "Yeah, who is it?" It wasn't Billy, I knew that, at least. It was one of my pack members, but who?

The door creaked open, and, to my vast surprise, Leah Clearwater pushed her way into my room.

"Leah?!" I asked, incredulous.

She smirked, but then scowled. "Yeah, I wouldn't have come. But ol'_Sammy_," She sneered, "Ordered me to come check up on you..." She sighed.

I frowned. "Why couldn't he have checked himself?" I was mystified.

Leah laughed dryly, "Oh, he's busy."

"Busy?" I asked. "Like, as in _busy_with..._ E-emily_?" I blanched.

This time, Leah laughed a genuine laugh, although it was mocking. "No, silly boy! Not like that, you pervert!" She scowled again. "Sam's wondering when you can get to his house."

I rose an eyebrow. "Why?"

She fidgeted nervously, playing with the hem of her shirt. "He just needs you to get to his house as soon as you can, OK?" She shrugged and hurriedly pushed her way out of my room without looking back.

I was suspicious. Why would Sam need me? I supposed this was why he hadn't visited or anything. Weird.

Gingerly, I sat up. Okay, no pain so far... I slowly set my feet on the floor and put some weight on them, preparing to stand up. A hollow ache ran through my stomach, and I winced, but kept going, until at last I had succeeded in getting onto my own two feet.

"Ugh..." I grumbled, shuffling out my door, into the cramped hall, and past a sleeping Billy in the living room. I quietly crept out the front door, and into the cool, moist air of La Push. I inhaled contentedly, and slowly set off toward's Sam and Emily's house.

In La Push, being the tiny Indian reservation that it is, houses are generally spaced quite close together. I only had to hobble down the road a bit, make a right, and then painstakingly walk up their gravelly dirt driveway.

The house was quaint; much nicer than Billy's old shack, which hadn't had a decent paint job in about ten years, and seemed to glow with an inner force that just kind of _drew_ you in. I laughed inwardly as this reminded me of the witch's gingerbread house in _Hansel and Gretel_.

I knocked on the front door. I heard a bunch of voices inside; they sounded stressed and irritated. I was perplexed. What was going on? This had better be worth it; I would never have gotten out of bed with a sour stomach of free will. Sam just had to be _Alpha_, didn't he?

The smells of food suddenly struck me, I hadn't noticed them before. I detected... peanut butter, sesame, oil, and... shrimp? I hated shrimp.

"Uh, guys? Are you gonna let me in, or what?" I asked impatiently, turning the doorknob and pushing the door open of my own accord.

The sight I was met with almost literally blew my eyes away.

There was uncooked rice scattered _everywhere_.

Everybody in the room; Sam, Embry, Emily, Quil, Paul, Jared, Seth, and Leah, for that matter, had frozen in their places once I'd opened the door. Seth dropped a large bag of sesame seeds from his frozen fingers. The entire scene reminded me of a herd of deer I'd once seen, frozen in the glare of car headlights.

"What the hell?" I exclaimed, taking in the bizarre scene.

"It's really not what you think!" Paul cried out, his eyes flickering from Sam to me and back again.

"Is this why you wanted me to come down here?!" I asked incredulously.

Sam blushed and looked at his feet. I noticed he was wearing a "Kiss the Cook" vintage apron. "I'm sorry, Jacob, it's just that Emily wanted someone to stir the dumpling sauce... we're having a big La Push get-together, Asian-style, tonight. Isn't that great?" Sam attempted to sound enthusiastic and earnest, but only succeeded in sounding meek and cheesily convincing.

I sighed angrily at my pack-mates, who shrunk a little at my death-glare, but before I could do anything, Emily slipped a tiny whit apron over my head and tied the strings behind the back. ON the front was printed in big, bold letters : HOT DOG, and a picture of a Dachshund was settled beneath. I might have laughed at the irony, but didn't feel up to it.

"There you go, Jake." Emily smiled a big, white smile at me, "I'm so glad you guys went to that camp, it's been a bug help here at home." She gestured around her.

I frowned, but Sam hissed at me, "Don't you dare, Black!"

Stupid Alpha.

I sighed. "OK, Emily what should I do?" I plastered a fake, cheesy grin on my face. Sam smiled in relief, but everyone else just looked tiredly sympathetic.

"You can go help Seth over there with all those sesame seeds." Emily smiled again cheerfully and then left me to go help Embry cook the dumplings.

I muscle was going in my eye as I slowly went over to Seth, who was hastily scooping up the sesame seeds he'd spilt. I took a deep breath and bent down, helping him scoop up the mess. He cast me a grateful look, and I shrugged.

I inwardly shed a tear for each seed I picked up.

**Part Three: CACI Memoirs **

Edward's POV

It had been a week since the "Culinary Arts Camp Incident", or CACI, as my siblings and I liked to call it.

Thankfully, Carlisle had apologized profusely for his error of selling our cars, and had managed to track all of them down and buy them back. He'd had a bit of an issue with reclaiming Rosalie's BMW, but when Rosalie came and slapped the adamant new-owner, she'd quickly gotten it back. Thank goodness! I shudder to even consider what kind of awful happenings might have occurred if fate flew otherwise...

Alice was back getting us stock market funds, so we well off once again. About $200 million in the old bank account now, I think...

Anyways, right now, I was content. More content than I had been for about two weeks now.

Bella was curled in my lap while I sat on my bed, reading _once again_, that book, _Wuthering Heights_. I still wondered to this day what she found so very interesting about it.

Suddenly, she snapped the book shut and set it down. I looked at her curiously. "What?" I asked as she pouted for some reason.

"No matter how many times I read that, it always annoys me how, no matter how much Heathcliff and Cathy loved each other, they ended up marrying _other_ people!" She sighed and rolled her eyes.

I chuckled. "Now Bella, from my perspective, it adds more depth and complexity to the story. Drama, too."

She nodded slowly, but sighed. "I suppose so, but still..." She reached for the book again to continue reading, when my hyperactive sister came bouncing through my open doorway. I scowled.

"What Alice?"

She laughed, completely oblivious to my annoyance. "Come on guys! I finally did it!" She squealed and bounced downstairs, where I heard my family's thoughts. They, also, had been called down by Alice by her mysterious new 'achievement'. She herself was blocking her thoughts from me with that hideous song _Strawberry Fields Forever _by the Beatles, a group from the sixties that I had sorely detested.

I sighed. "It seems that there's going to be a family meeting."

Bella smiled brightly. "OK, let's go. Alice looked really excited."

_Yeah... and that's a good thing?_ I thought to myself, grimacing inwardly as I scooped Bella up into my arms and ran downstairs in the blink of an eye.

"Nice of you to show up." Alice reprimanded me as I set down Bella and sat down in a cushy recliner. She nestled herself comfortably in my lap again.

"Don't be so harsh, Alice." Rosalie grumped from the couch, obviously impatient for whatever was to come. "Get it on with."

"OK," Alice chirped excitedly. Jasper decided to help his wife's performance, and began circulating all of her giddy emotions around the room until everyone, even me, was extremely riled up and tense from the suspense. Alice grinned and gave Jasper a thank-you peck. "Now," She continued, stealthily pulling a thick, yellow envelope from under the couch cushion, "I have successfully transferred all of the photos, or memoirs, you could call them, from the CACI, into SLIDES!!!"

I blanched. The photos? Oh no, she didn't... That one with me and the... thing was bad enough, but the other ones? _That_ crossed the line of intense humiliation.

"Alice..." A warned her reproachfully, but she paid me no attention. Instead, she flitted out of the room and back again, this time dragging a slide projector with her. Before anyone could do anything about it, she plugged the thing in and turned off the living room lights.

The machine made a variety of loud noises, but no one paid attention to that.

On the wall, was a large projection of me. Yes, me. In a pile of clothes, of course, and very angry. And, again, with the stupid bra on my head.

You might think one would get tired of seeing such a photo so many times. Such is not the case in my family. Everyone burst out in hysterical laughter, even me, I couldn't help it! Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, and Jasper were howling especially, as they had never seen it before. Bella laughed uncontrollably from my lap.

Alice giggled and promptly moved on to the next slide. It was the one from the night of the spaghetti fiasco.

"I took that one!" Emmett yelled above all the laughter. The scene showed both Alice and Jasper, covered in spaghetti sauce, and kneeling on the floor slurping up the vile stuff. I grimaced in my laughter. I myself, in the photo, was laughing maniacally while being chased around by an angry Ms. Yapp. I also noticed Bella was passed out on the floor.

"I'm glad I wasn't awake for that..." She mumbled from my lap, blushing furiously. I laughed.

Alice clicked to the next slide.

Eurgh... It wasn't very pretty.

The photo showed my Bella, _my_ Bella, her face twisted up into a heinous snarl, her eyes dark and angry. She had cornered that one girl, Carly Rae, at the stove. The girl's hair had just caught fire, and the both of them, Bella and Carly Rae, were caught in the moment of grappling at each other in unhindered fury.

My family was silent for a moment, the only sound to be heard was Bella's heartbeat, until Emmett let out a chuckle.

That opened the floodgate.

Jasper fell to the ground shrieking with mirth, and that set everyone else off, howling and hysterical, sometimes falling off their respective seats. Bella blushed furiously and hid her head in my shaking shoulder.

"Don't... worry... love..." I managed to gasp out, "You gave that girl just what she needed, no need to be embarrassed..." I started laughing uncontrollably again, and Bella had to hang onto my shirt in order to stay upright.

Alice, in all her giggliness managed to flip to the next slide. To my great surprise and amusement, it was a photo of Newton getting his pants ripped off.

"I didn't see you take that one." I gestured skeptically at it, a grin growing uncontrollably on my face.

"You didn't." She laughed, "I took it when you all were busy gluing your eyes on him and nothing else.

Jasper got up from his little happy-spasm, and glanced at the wall, unaware that Alice had changed the slide.

This time, he broke for good.

He was so incapacitated my his emotions of extreme amusement, he didn't even break a laugh. His thoughts were wiped blank, and he fell over backwards, knocking over a lamp. Esme gasped, but dismissed the incident when she herself started giggling.

Carlisle howled uncontrollably, doubling over and using Emmett for support. Emmett boomed with laughter like a bomb, the entire house seeming to explode as his boisterous screams echoed through the house. The girls giggled, and Bella was turning red, not from embarrassment, but lack of oxygen this time. I gently patted her back as I chortled maniacally.

I do not think there is a soul in Forks that did not hear our mirth that day.

THE END!!!!

**BYYEEE! I LOVE YOU ALL!**

**VeggieVamp**


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